And A Jay-Z Song Was Ooooonnn….

I shouldn’t have been so flabberghasted to hear that Miley  Cyrus had in fact never heard a Jay-Z song, which she claims lifts her spirits in her irritatingly catchy “Party In The USA” song.

I mean, I’m a dorky white middle class girl and I’ve heard MOST of the Jay-Z cannon (yes, like Shakespeare, Jay-Z doesn’t just have a body of work, he has a cannon). Even though she cops to not penning the ditty, you’d think someone in the music industry would have the common sense to listen to other stuff on the charts, just to feel out their contemporaries.

I guess since MC doesn’t really have to do any of her thinking or creating, because’s such a thought-out, pre-packaged product of the Disney sexed-up adolescent machine. Her image is actually a stroke of marketing genius when you think about it. A good Christian girl, making it big in scary bad Hollywood, yet sticking as close as she can to her Southern roots. And when she takes slutty pictures of herself for MySpace, or is “tricked” by sneaky Vanity Fair photographers, then she can just turn to prayer and her fanbase forgives any tresspass.

But seriously girl. Go get some Jay-Z albums. They’re worth a listen. You might actually be – gasp – inspired.

 

COMING SOON!!!

The gloroius, long awaited (by maybe two people) return of A TAPERED MIND!!!!

Answering questions such as…

1.) Why hasn’t Miley Cyrus ever heard a Jay-Z song?

2.) What boots are best for fall/winter?

3.) Why is that Shakira song so damn catchy?

4.) Why do I get myself into terrible dating situations?

AND MORE!! So stay tuned….these are actually coming, rather than me just saying they are, and disappearing for a few months to deal with other stuff. Now I know what my priorities are, and they are entertaining you with useless thoughts.

 

Spidey Sense Feels Imminent Disaster

 Apparently, the Broadway musical, “Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark” has hit a bit of a roadbump and run out of money. The estimated running cost of this musical (millions of dollars per week) would need it to sell out every night for five years just to break even. And it hasn’t opened. Needless to say, I think we should just call this one Julie Taymor’s “Lost in La Mancha” and call it a day. I don’t think anyone really wanted a Sprider Man musical anyway, did they? Just the thought of it made me go “Meh.” Sure, it would probably look awesome, with some web slinging tricks, but I really think Sam Raimi managed to make that all look AMAZING on screen, and to be honest, I’m not sure it’s the type of story that will translate to stage.

As for the music of Bono and the Edge, that could be cool. Or it could be kind a disaster. I mean, do I have to sit through a ballad from Mary Jane Watson about how she feels there could be something more to Peter Parker, but she really just loves Spider Man? NOOOO!

Maybe they will make the money back and the show will go on as planned. I’m ready to be proven wrong, I just think my Spidey sense hasn’t failed me yet…..

 

G.I. Joe & Julia

Last night, on the way home from a lovely night out with my friend Katie, I had the (mildly intoxicated) idea for next summer’s big hit movie. This is gonna be a big one. Are you ready?

G.I. Joe & Julia

(Coming to a theatre near you….Summer 2010)

Combining two big hits of this summer (they even came out on the same day!) G.I. Joe & Julia will find Destro (Christopher Eccleston) not finding work at COBRA fulfilling now that Cobra Commander is in charge and the Baroness has shacked up with Duke again. To get his mojo back, he begins cooking his way through Julia Child’s famous cookbook.  We will also get to see moments of Julia child’s time as a spy (because she fucking was! What a bad ass!) intercut with battles between G.I. Joe and Cobra. But most importantly, we will see Destro in an apron, blowing away a dozen members of the Crimson Guard when his souffle falls.

 

Can we make this movie tomorrow? This has MTV MOVIE AWARDS written all over it.

 

Inappropriate Crush of the Day

Holy crap!

Zach Morris (Mark Paul Gosselar) has still got it! Whew! 20 years (which I refuse to believe) after Saved by the Bell MPG is still lookin’ hella fine. If he still had that HUGE mobile phone (Google Zach Morris phone to get an idea of how freakin’ big this phone was), I would give him my number.

 

It Might Be Earlier Than 2012

You know the apocalpyse is on its way when you see headlines like TITO JACKSON DEMANDS JUSTICE.

 

Speaking of 2012 can we talk about Roland Emmerich’s upcoming film, please? They screened the trailer before Harry Potter and I got really upset. I think that in times of ongoing war and financial fuckery, the last thing, THE. LAST. THING. we need is some dumb ass movie about the end of the world that casually depicts millions of people dying horrible, terrifying deaths, with “special effects.” John Cusack, Chiwitel Ejiofor, I really thought better of you.

 

Random Acts of Badass (London Edition)

Sorry to have been away so long, friends. I mean, I have a job too (quitting soon, I promise) that tends to keep me away from my precious observations and commentary on life. But I’ve got a few things that have been sitting on the back burner (of the stovetop of my mind) ready to be served up hot to you.

So check this out. Random Acts of Badassness, straight from Lun-dun! Yeah. Innit. 

1.) Apparently Dame Judi Dench was nearly mowed down by a black cab while boppin’ around Shaftesbury Ave for play rehearsal (DJD totally bops). The cabbie yelled “Watch where you’re going you stupid cunt” to which DJD quickly replied “THAT’S DAME CUNT TO YOU!”

Heart beats faster. Her place as my idol as just been set in stone and covered in whipped cream and cherries. Well played.

2.) Though I do not condone acts of violence, I can’t stop laughing at this photograph of Jude Law ninja chopping some paparazzi lady as he left the theatre the other night:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jude says it was an accident as he was blinded by camera flash (which happens to me pretty much anytime a picture is taken) he just looks so rageful and Wolverine-esque that it makes me laugh every time.

“Can I take your picture, Mr. La-”

“SKA-DOOSH!”

(Chop)

“My neck!”

Just like that time I was getting a massage and the lady punched me in the neck. It was just to relieve stress, she said.

 

PS. I am not the mysterious woman having Jude Law’s baby. Because I know that’s what you were thinking.

 

Dear Green Hornet

Dear Green Hornet Movie,

Since you have foolishly let Stephen Chow slip out of your fingers as both director AND Kato, I have a few suggestions.

1.) Get Stephen Chow back in both jobs. Michel Gondry is a talented guy, but has yet to deliver as a director (purely opinion, obviously others will disagree) and Chow’s “Kung Fu Hustle” and “Shaolin Soccer” are f’ing classics. He knows how to do action/funny like nobody else.

2.) Do NOT cast Nicolas Cage as the villian!

3.) Don’t cast Cameron Diaz as Seth Rogen’s love interest! I don’t mind Ms. Diaz but just picturing her and Rogen gives my stomach the queasies. No mas.

 

Pink Has Greatest Idea Ever

Oh. My. Goodness.

First off, apologies to AK and BI, who I know read this to alleviate boredom at work. Thank you! I know I’ve been bad with the posting, largely due to the fact that I’m stuck at work myself. But due to working all the time, I’ve seen the future, and Pink is taking us there.

I see a lot of music videos on the job. A lot. Mostly bad ones, but also some great ones, like Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” (that dance is so damn good.) When I saw the music video for Pink’s “Sober” I dismissed it, because frankly I don’t really like the song. However, the next few times I saw the video I realized two things. 1.) Pink has great hair. 2.) In the video, she MAKES OUT WITH HERSELF.

Stop the presses. 

Yes, making out with yourself. Granted, Pink only does it in the video because it’s some kind of “terrible to be drunk/ wrestling with your own demons” thingy, but sweet jesus, what an idea. Because making out is the best. And since finding a suitable partner is so damn hard these days, why not just make out with yourself! It would just rock. The ultimate in self love. You would always be faithful to yourself. No STDs. No sloppy “stop trying to eat my face, please” issues. If I could truly just make out with myself I would probably never leave the house. I would take time outs to eat, but other than that, all my recreational activities would just be shot. I would try watching a movie, but then I would just ignore the movie and make out with myself.

 

I’d Like To Make The World A Mix…..

Although treating all dozen readers of this blog to a Coke would be more fiscally viable, I really love sharing music with people, and have been told (puffs chest with pride) that I’m pretty damn good at it. Mix tapes = a cheesy “I love you, man.” and a nice accompaniment to any road trip. Since it would take me too long to try and burn a lot of CDs (and mail them) I will just post a short list of the jams I am loving at the moment.

1. Zero – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2. Scream – Michael & Janet Jackson 

3. Daylight – Matt & Kim (whom my best friend is obesessed with)

4. We Walk – Ting Tings

5. Give It To Me – Madonna

6. American Boy – Estelle and Kanye West

7. Wild Wild Life – Talking Heads (CLASSIC OLD SCHOOL)

8. In This City – Hartley & Iglu (sounds like MGMT)

9. All My Days – From the “Away We Go” Soundtrack

10. Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas (I’m the only person I know who likes this song)

11. In My Arms – Kylie Minogue

12. Run – Leona Lewis (her cover of Snow Patrol reduces me to a blubbering blob of blubber)

13. My Eyes – Travis

Lucky 13. Listen and enjoy. Or not. But I would if I were you. But I’m not. I’m me. So there.