GLEE THE PEOPLE

Aw C’mon. That’s a pretty clever title. I’m sure People Magazine or US Weekly will yoink it, but you can tell all your friends (the ones who care…..a grand total of…..zero) that you heard it here first. Copyright’d!

The only live-action show on the Fox Network I’ve ever really liked was Arrested Development, may it rest in glorious DVD box set peace. That show was everything television should be – irreverent, hilarious, oddly touching and off the walls brilliant. Its perfect cast (all of whom are working constantly now), brilliant writing, and insanely intricate story lines (if you watch the DVDs, you’ll see how many little throwbacks and references carry over from season to season. It’s outstanding.) When the series was cancelled after only 3 Seasons, I basically said “To hell with you, Fox Network” and devoted my limited TV-loving-attentions to Lost and The Office.

So you can imagine how weary I was when people near and dear to me, people whose opinions I trust, said “You’ve got to check out Glee. It’s right up your alley.”

Wait, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Yes, I was in my high school’s glee club. We sang passionately, if off-key, and wore outfits that looked like Vegas hooker factory seconds. But we had a great time, and we traveled up and down the east coast to torture people with the songs in our hearts.

I saw the TV promos, and thought the show was kind of pandering to the Drama-Geek crowd. “Oh! You’re an outsider! We’re outsiders too! We’re full of theatre and music in-jokes! Yuk yuk yuk!” So I held out. And I held out. And then…..they re-aired the first episode. And I heard the cover of “Don’t Stop Believin.” And I thought “Well, that was kind of lovely.” Lea Michele has pipes of a fierce nature. Girl. Can. Belt. It.

So I kept watching. And some episodes do pander to theatre geeks. It’s not a perfect show. The character of Mrs. Schuster can die any episode for all I care. But it’s got really talented performers, sharp writing, and musical arrangements that blow my flippin’ mind. Matthew Morrison’s gorgeous mash-up of “Young Girl/Don’t Stand So Close To Me” melted my brain, and last week’s “Imagine” done in collaboration with the deaf glee club brought both me and my mother (a recent convert) to tears.

(Speaking of Matthew Morrison, how sexy is he? That voice!! Ooooh, honey. And doesn’t Cory Monteith look like a much cuter, not-gone-to-seed Chris Klein?)

Glee has so much potential, and has gotten me to care enough to stick around and find out if it will be fulfilled. I think it can be everything AD was: the hilarious, brilliant and weirdly emotional engine-that-could. Let’s give it a chance.

 

Contraception Controversy

Like many women between the ages of 16 and 35, I have been on birth control (HA! Almost typed “girth control”) My results were pretty typical. I didn’t get pregnant (yay) my skin was clearer (yay) but I also was grouchier (boo) and chunkier (nooooo). So I stopped. I thought about what I was ingesting, this tiny pill that had such drastic effects in my body.

Yaz and Yasmin are the top selling – $1.8 BILLION last year – pharmaceutical line for Bayer. Yaz, the most popular birth control pill in the US, rose to popularity not only for pregnancy prevention powers (say that three times fast) but for alluring promises of clearer skin and drastically reduced PMS and related depression. For any woman who’s wasted an entire day on her side, knees pulled up to her chin in agony, feeling disgustingly unattractive and like her insides were going through a blender, that’s one hell of a lure.

Bayer has found itself on the receiving end of 74 lawsuits from women who claim they developed health problems after taking Yasmin or Yaz. (I bet you this ends up on “Law and Order” with a “RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES” tag). In light of these lawsuits, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) asked Bayer to correct misleading commercials and make clear the warnings, including the possibility of blood clots and strokes. Now the commercials for Yaz begin with “We may have been unclear in our previous ads” which makes me laugh. Even the look on the actress’s face says “We got busted.” The FDA is now studying incidence of illness among users of oral contraceptives.

Let’s look at the science. Birth control pills work by changing hormone levels – specifically estrogen. Some doctors have suggested lowering the risk by switching to pills containing levonorgestrel, considered a “safer” ingrident than those in Yaz.

While Bayer had some seriously shady advertising, the user of any birth control should do her homework and research the pill she takes, and be aware of its possible side effects.

PS. Next time let’s talk about Nueva Ring – because all my girlfriends rave about it, and I’m still not 100% sure about shoving a friendship bracelet up my vagina.

 

Public Option

I haven’t read the health care bill.

I’m guessing you haven’t either.

So we’re probably on a pretty level playing field here.

Why is Joe Lieberman digging in his heels on a public option? Why will health care not be available to everyone who needs it? Or is it just for wealthy people from Connecticut?

Ok. Now. How will we pay for it? Cuts will have to be made. Taxes will probably have to rise. That is just a stone cold fucking fact. A fact that sucks. And the cuts will probably come from places we don’t like. Schools. Seniors. Rich people. It won’t be easy. But I think it’s important.

I was in the gym when the President made his speech about health care. Some old white men were watching the TV too (but they weren’t in gym clothes – I have no idea what the hell they were doing there, come to think of it. Just being creepy, I guess) and saying pretty offensive things. They called the President “a fucking idiot” and yelled “Fuck you!” at the screen, when he said he didn’t believe any American should go bankrupt just because they have cancer, a fact I whole-heartedly agree with. I was so incensed. My blood was literally on fire, I kept putting my hands on my face in hopes of cooling it down and not looking like Elmer Fudd after being outfoxed by Bugs Bunny.

I walked into the adjacent office and faced my two female co-workers. I explained the situation thusly:
“There are old, bloated rich white men who belong to this gym but don’t work out, sitting there and talking trash about the President, who’s just trying to play janitor and clean up the mess left by his fucknut predecessor. They think if you or me, people who work really hard but don’t have insurance from their jobs, if we get really sick, well that’s too fucking bad for us. And I hope they get sick. I hope something starts eating them from the inside out. And all their fancy doctors can’t do anything for them.”

“The President’s making a speech? In New York?” My sweet but stupid co-worker, who had a penchant for booty shorts with camel toe, asked.

“Wow. That was hard core.” Said another. “But yeah, I know those guys. They’re creepers.”

I don’t know why I told you that. It makes me look a bit like a rage-aholic. But I really do think that we should all be able to be taken care of. Britain has the NHS, and yes, it’s a flawed system, but it means that young people who are still getting their legs under them, can see a doctor and not have to drop half their paycheck on it. It doesn’t mean there’s not a lot of work left to do on that bill. I’m not defending it %100 by any means, since I told you I haven’t read it. But I really do believe that taking care of one another is a big part of what it means to be Americans. One Nation, under….what? The weather? Looking out for each other, standing up for each other, is what makes a nation stronger.

 

Buttery Nemesis Takes Ham at Mach One, and Other Things on My Mind

 

It’s not really in the generous spirit of Thanksgiving, but my God do I laugh at this video of chicken-fried purveyor of heart-attacky Southern buttered villiany Paula Deen, taking a charitable ham to the face.

I’m sure Paula Deen is a super nice lady, and if it were a video of me getting face ham’d, she’d laugh too. It’s human nature. She got hers. I’ll get mine.

Trying to think a lot in a “What goes around come around” (Thanks, Timberlake) kind of manner. This would mean, that hopefully I’m due to come back around on the upswing any minute now. Maybe I’m deluded, but sometimes, especially around the holidays, delusion is a good thing to cling to.

Should I cut fringe in my hair?

Can I convince Priceline.com to essentially give me a free plane ticket?

What do you do when the person keeping you together starts to fall apart?

If you have the answers to any or all of these questions, keep them to your goddamn self. Unless you can get me a free plane ticket. I will be gladly accepting those.

 

Here is a picture of a tattoo of Wolverine riding a My Little Pony. It’s not my tattoo, though sometimes I wish it were. Sometimes.

 

CW Network!! I have your next GOLDMINE right here!!

Seriously.
If anyone tries to kidnap this idea, I have the law on my side, as I just did the trusted Google Search and came back with nothing. So this is original mockery!

Ok, just picture it. You love sassy CW teenagers, who, unlike yourself during those years, seem to have unlimited funding and copious amounts of sex.
Who were you during those school years? A DORK. The kind who dug Sci-Fi and mystery, with roguish tortured heroes! And that’s AWESOME. I always think nerdy people are vastly more lovely anyways. But now, the CW network has the amazing chance to combine its beloved workhorse, “Gossip Girl” with an ambitious cartoon that time has shelved….I present….

“GOSSIP GOYLE”!!

The Pitch: Combining footage from the old school action/adventure cartoon “Gargoyles” and laying down the self-absorbed drama-rama and insane silliness of “Gossip Girl” comes a story about Gargoyles perched atop the loftiest, most ritzy skyscrapers in New York, and the things they see and do.

I’m going to work more on this, but here’s a pic from the cartoon, should you have forgotten that it was actually kind of brilliant and ahead of its time. And no, I haven’t decided which creepy Gargoyle is Chuck Bass, but he’s in there. Oh. He. Is. In. There.

 

Avatar

So that, my friends, is the 2nd trailer for the upcoming frilm, “Avatar” written and directed by James Cameron. It is pretty much the most hyped film of the Christmas season, if not the entire year.

What do I think? I think Sam Worthington is HOT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s pretty obvious. And while I think the movie looks really interesting, and the animation (CG goodness) looks amazing, I can’t help but think the whole plot looks like Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest got mixed with Dances With Wolves and then shaken in a blender with the big Ewok battle from Return of the Jedi, and taken with a liberal dose of acid. LIBERAL.

 

Buried Treasure

Helping my parents clean out their house has wielded a number of amazing treasures – old school things, funny photos, and good stories…but it has also shown me that MY MOTHER DOESN’T THROW ANY SHIT AWAY EVER and some of that stuff should probably just go to the Smithsonian at this point. Like my Mother’s old Motorola StarTac phone, which, during its reign, was the shit. It’s still pretty amazing actually. I remember trying to call a boy I was dating on mine, but the screen was so hard to read, I couldn’t tell if it was his number or not. The relationship didn’t last. Coincidence? Not in the slightest.

 

FANTASTIC, INDEED

A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to be in the UK, where Wes Anderson’s newest film, “Fantastic Mr. Fox” was already playing. Based on the book by the amazing-yet-hard-to-adapt-onscreen Roald Dahl, the film is truly fantastic, and filled with moments that made me snort with laughter and bite my lower lip thoughtfully (this is good.)

The relationships within the Fox family (spouses who love each other but fight real, honest fights, giving up certain freedoms to start a family, feeling out of place, etc.) are so well done, you kind of forget you’re watching drama being played out by a fox puppet wearing a tube sock as a bandit mask.

But don’t get the feeling it’s just bogged down in emotions. There are thrills and spills too, and the voice talent does stellar work, and sounds like they’re having a great time while they’re at it.

One of my favorite bits is the use of the word “cuss” for all bad words, and how often the characters use it – this is allegedly a children’s film! They’re all like “What the cuss?” and “Cuss you!” and for reasons inexplicable, it’s hilarious.

Like Anderson’s other films, notably “Royal Tenenbaums” and “Darjeeling Limited” what makes “Fantastic Mr. Fox” so good is the way it looks at families and their actions with both a loving and humorous eye, pointing out both the heart-wrenching and ridiculous.
And I mean, come on. You’ve got to love a film that has fox puppets wearing tube socks as bandit masks, right?

 

Blame It On the (Ref)rain

Sometimes, instead of a complete song, I’ll get just the refrain or a line or two stuck in my head at one time. This might be due to the fact that it’s the only good part of the song (cough*Dude Looks Like A Lady*cough) or you just can’t remember more because they’re singing too fast or mumbling in their adorable accents. A lot of people give Coldplay flak for sucking (which I disagree with) or being emotional, but you’ve got to give them credit, Chris Martin always articulates and I never have a problem understanding what he’s saying. Anyway, that’s a total digression. I love Coldplay. You heard it here. And I had a snippet of a song in my head a few days ago and it was truly freaky. I mean, I didn’t want to sing or hum or anything, because I was afraid that doctors would leap out from behind shrubbery and outfit me with a straightjacket immidiately. Because I had, stuck in this wild and woolly head, part of the song from “The Wizard of Oz” where the MUNCHKIN CORONER (I think Google might put me on a watch list for typing that phrase) confirms that Dorothy’s house did in fact sqoosh the Wicked Witch of the West Dead.

Don’t remember that bit? Your therapist probably did a good job helping to block that out, because that is CRAZY. For those who don’t recall what he looked like, I’ve inserted his picture…he’s the wee man holding the death certificate, which he obviously had ready and waiting to go, because he’s an early version of Dexter Morgan, the serial-killing blood-spatter analyst from Showtime’s kick ass TV series “Dexter,” and had been plotting to kill the witch himself before Dorothy beat him to it. Seriously, if you haven’t seen that show, you’ve got to check it out. Michael C. Hall is such an amazing actor, I’m waiting for his eyebrows to get their own Emmy, because they are really carrying the show. So. Good.

Anyway, the presence of a coroner, and a SINGING MUNCHKIN CORONER at that is pretty nuts… and having his little ditty about thoroughly examining the witch’s body (gross) to make sure she’s dead (why was I allowed to watch this as a child?) is really not something you want stuck in your head all day.

 

Rawr.

I had some hella clever (at least to my easily-amused brain) blogs set aside on a USB key to be transfered to my parents COMICALLY SLOW AND OUTDATED computer (the only one with internets I have today, I’ve been trying to steal neighbor’s wireless with no luck) but all of a sudden the two computers are fighting (Like Blair and Serena on “Gossip Girl”…..I think. I’ve only seen it twice. But that was the gist of it.) and I couldn’t upload the files. So tomorrow I go to Panera (at Diana’s suggestion, and my unholy desire for a toasted Asiago cheese bagel) to try again. Never fear. Useless information, misinformed opinions and too much knowledge about my personal life will be here before you know it.

PS. If you are computer savvy, why does one computer think files are Notepad and the other think they are Word? Also, how could Blair do that to Serena? She’s so mean.

PPS. I’m going to go make soup now. If I don’t blog tomorrow it means I maybe poisoned myself. Sorry.