A Tapered Mind

It’s during my lunches with Julie that I do my best revelatory thinking. After a nice hour chatting outside of Lincoln Center, it struck me that America’s Next Top Model Winner Jaslene:

is SO OBVIOUSLY the spawn of Rosie Perez

AND THE JOKER!!!

 I know you’d rather not, but can’t you just imagine these two in the bedroom?

“It’s as though we were made for each other. Beauty and the Beast. Of course, if anyone else calls you ‘beast’ I’ll rip their lungs out.”
“Trust you? The last time I trusted you, Mookie, I ended up with a son.”

YES!!!!

I have wanted a pair of Ray-Bans forever. Well, at least since I learned how cool sunglasses can make you appear. The style I have been coveting is that of the Wayfarer, a pretty 80’s style (think Risky Business) that looks slick and covers a good portion of the face.

I seriously considered buying them while I was on vacation. Good sunglasses are an essential! But I just could not bring myself to shell out the $129 (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?) that even outlet sunglasses stores were demanding. I’m guessing they cost maybe $5, 35 cents to make. That’s a gazillion percent profit, you fuckers!

So I defied Ray-Ban, and held off.

Until I was strolling around St. Mark’s Place (I love you, Lower East Side) and found a PERFECT knock-off pair of Wayfarers in a little shanty shack, $7.oo. While $7 is still too much for plastic sunglasses, it’s much better than $129, so I bought them.

They look awesome! I can’t decide who I resemble more when I wear them:

or perhaps

But honestly, whichever way you look at it, I’m looking GOOD.

Whilst pouring over an immensely intelligent and dignified web article entitled “Eva Longoria is a lawn gnome” an email popped up on my work screen, saying there was an opening for:

Disaster Recovery Ops Specialist (Reston)

Huh?

When did my life become an episode of 24? And if my life is suddenly an episode of 24, why hasn’t Jack Bauer come and kicked the crap out of several annoying and weak peoples in the building?

Apparently the Disaster Recovery Ops Specialist will be called upon to fix computers when they’re down….ooooh, I see. It’s a fancy name for IT guy. I guess HR hasn’t gotten the recruitment numbers it really needs, so by making up fancy superhero-esque names for jobs that make you want to put your thumbs into your eyesockets, they hope to bring in a new wave of bad-ass techno-wizards!

Good luck with that one, HR team!

PS. For those of you not familiar with Reston (where the Disaster Recovery Ops Specialist will keep his home base) it is in Virginia and is very boring.

From MSN.com – LOS ANGELES — Authorities conducting undercover operations at trendy celebrity watering holes in recent weeks want to know if an underage Lindsay Lohan was served alcohol before a weekend car crash

I’m relatively certain that she didn’t absorb the booze via osmosis.

 I found this article on Playbill.com (where nerds go for BREAKING NEWS about plays and musicals!) and it’s really incredible. Its about making DNA patterns more easily understood and accessible by applying certain attributes to music. Imagine, your DNA, what makes you…well, you, is a song. A combination of science and art. There’s something really lovely and fascinating about that to me. Unless, of course, my DNA turns out to be some annoying jingle, like the McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It” campaign. Then it would no longer be cool at all.

Scientists Develop Software to Turn DNA Patterns Into Music

By Vivien Schweitzer
29 May 2007

Scientists have developed a way to convert DNA patterns into music, according to a report by the Discovery Channel.

Research assistant Rie Takahashi, a microbiologist who studied classical piano for 14 years, developed the Gene2Music technique with microbiologist Jeffrey Miller at the University of California-Los Angeles; the pair published their results in the latest issue of Genome Biology 2007.

“It’s a great teaching tool because everyone is familiar with music and it’s a universal language,” the Discovery Channel report quotes Takahashi as saying. The conversion method could render genomic coding more accessible to both the general public and vision-impaired scientists.

The team’s initial study focused on a protein involved in making and repairing DNA. Takahashi gathered the DNA patterns of the protein’s 20 constituent amino acids; he then paired the various amino acids together into chords based on their abiliity to attract or repel water. The result was 13 basic chords, with the higher chords representing the water-attracters and the lower keys representing the water repellers.

Rhythm is determined by the three DNA letters that code for each amino acid in the protein. The more frequent the sequence of the three letters, the longer the duration of the chord. So the chords and the rhythm ultimately convey information about the protein’s structure, according to the Discovery Channel.

“Previous efforts have sought either to create works of art, and were directed primarily to the artistic community, or tried to evoke in the listener a sense of the ‘music of the spheres’ inherent in DNA,” the Discovery Channel quotes Neil Smalheiser, assistant professor in psychiatry at the University of Illinois at Chicago, as saying.

“In contrast, the Gene2Music project shares the sensibility and mindset of the bioinformatics community, which seeks to create public, open-source tools for discerning biologically meaningful patterns within protein and DNA sequences,” he adds.

I’ve been on the internet all day looking for these!!!

After extensive Googling, I found these (the term for them is “Fisherman Style Jelly Sandals”) on some wacky European website that has the gall to charge $55 for plastic shoes (and God I am SO TEMPTED to buy them anyway).

These were the shoes I did the majority of my living in between the ages of 3 and 13 (as I approached my teenage years, the plastic became embedded with sparkles, and a skanky block heel was tacked on – I’m so sorry, Mum and Dad). That is 10 years of loving plastic shoes, in spite of the fact that they can be very hot and sweaty, and a cheaply made pair will cut the shit out of your heels. But there is something so charming about them it makes it easy to put such discomfort and lack of practicality into the back of one’s mind.

They’re cute! They’re plastic! They look good with sundresses and jeans! They remind you of what it was like to be young and fun, running around in your backyard pretending you were a superhero teaming up with the little guy from Willow to save the world (or was that just me?)

The New York Post is not exactly the go-to paper for thoughtful, relevant, news. However, how could anyone ignore the article that ran on Saturday (May 26th) about the killing of the most ENORMOUS pig ever?!?

(Even CNN got in on the action today. Scooped by the Post, CNN! Scooped!)

Anyways, let me tell you some mind-blowing facts about this pig (being called “Monster Pig” though I prefer the previous record-holder’s title of HOGZILLA)

Hogzilla, a (not kidding) 1,051 pound wild pig met his maker by the hand of an 11 year old boy’s Smith & Wesson following a three hour chase through the mysterious and apparently monster-filled woods of Alabama. Hogzilla’s measurements are said to be 9 foot 4 inches tail to snout. So basically like an SUV made of Bacon. They came upon it during a hunting trip (like you do) and instead of running (like regular people would) away from the HUGE MONSTER they pursued it and killed it.

The Post speculates Hogzilla will yield 700 pounds of sausage, or enough to feed most people in Alabama breakfast.

Granted, I’m not I would feast upon anything from the carcass of A MUTANT PIG.

I hope he will be studied. How in God’s name did a pig get so huge? It’s like something out of LOST.

I like Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Keira Knightley.

I like monkeys blowing out of cannons.

I like the theme-park ride upon which this franchise is based.

And yet in spite of all this, “Pirates of the Carribbean 3: At World’s End” is STILL the most DISAPPOINTING and CRAP sequel of the summer thus far (I say “thus far” because I have yet to see “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer”)

While the special effects are pretty spectacular, oh my goodness is the plot convoluted! And I consider myself a pretty sharp movie-goer. There were so many parts where I just leaned over to my companion and said “What the crap was that all about?”

The following utterances contain spoilers. If you’re one of those people who get really upset by spoilers, stop reading. Also, get upset about something more substantial, please.

“I knew when there was more than one Johnny Depp on screen that this would be really, really bad.”

“Where the British Navy fighting for anything in particular, or just to fight?”

“That death scene with the slo-mo and shrapnel was pretty much the most absurd thing ever captured on film.”

“So, hold on, somebody bought her a really sexy black dress, and now she has to be marooned on that island so he can come back every ten years and fuck her? Raw deal!”

“Obviously, she’s a monster woman made out of stereotypes and stone-crabs. How could he not love her?”

“Do all people from Singapore want to sit in steam rooms and rape Keira Knightley?”

You get the picture. Urgh, I had such high hopes. I’m one of the few people who really liked the second movie “Dead Man’s Chest” but this, argh, this was just laughable. I feel the next time I see it (because I’m sure it’ll happen, it usually does) I will need to have had a few drinks in me, maybe that’s the only way the whole big jumble will make any sense.

Is it possible to know that you’ve already met the person you’re supposed to end up with?

Even if, perhaps, you’ve never actually spoken?

I think so. A few months ago, and then recently, I had the pleasure of being in the presence of a guy in whom I see not only wonderful things, but the best parts of myself.  I just get that feeling. We’ve never been introduced (he’s kind of a busy man, I’m not just going to rush up to him), but every time I see him, (at the risk of sounding a little too “Dear Diary”) I feel like we’re supposed to know each other.

“How will I know?” asked Whitney Houston

“Trust Your Feelings!” sang her backup vocalists.

That sounds pretty good to me. I think the answers to all of life’s little inquiries can be answered through the earphones of your ipod, it just depends on what track you follow. I’ve been going with:

“If it’s a question of timing, I’ll wait” said Ghosts.

or “I’m not the kind of girl who gives up just like thaaaaaat. Oh Nooo.” echoed Blondie.

Maybe I read too many women’s magazines. And listen to too much music.

Friday night I was seated way the fuck in the back of the Eugene O’Neill theatre to catch “Spring Awakening” the new musical that is being likened to such generation-encapsulating phenomena as “Hair” and “Rent” (thought bucking the one-word title trend). I’ve been ruminating on the experience all weekend and here’s what I’ve come up with.

1. While watching it, I enjoyed the frenetic, if somewhat jumbly storytelling. There were a few moments when I kind of lost the trail of what was happening, but the performers (WHO ARE SO YOUNG AND TALENTED IT IS KIND OF SCARY) were so energetic and committed you had to hang on for the ride. While some of my friends have said they thought the cast was too young to really sink their teeth into a show of this emotional complexity, I kind of think that their occaisional awkwardness and inexperience as actors made their characters even more relatable. The girl who sings the song about being beaten by her father is incredible, and apparently only 16. That is a lady with a future!

2. The stage and lights: cool, but by no means revolutionary. I heard so much about the choreography, and it seemed too robotic for a piece about passion. Maybe that’s just me.

3. The music. After the show ended, I could only vividly recall about three songs. But after I bought the soundtrack and played it a few times, the songs that I thought were kind of boring ballads became more lively to me, because I could hear them a few times and really get the feel for them. It’s that kind of music. The more I listen, the more I appreciate it. “The Mirror Blue Night” and “Touch Me” are shaping up to be my favorite tracks. I kind of wonder if Duncan Shiek wrote it as make-out music (because we all know teenagers love to make out) because it’s got that kind of power and sensuality behind it.

Above are the show’s ridiculously good-looking and talented stars.