A Tapered Mind

I swear to God I’m not making this up. This is all from one man sitting near me at the coffee shop. The following sound bites are all from this one crazy old English man speaking to a young Japanese student who clearly doesn’t know how to stop him.

“Well, we won the war because Churchill was a Sagitarius.”

Now this wouldn’t be so upsetting if the old man wasn’t distinguished looking and wearing a suit. He doesn’t LOOK crazy. But he obviously is. Because he said it in all sincerity. And then continued to talk about his own sign (Aries) and how it made him who he is. Even worse…the Japanese guy was completely enthralled.

Oh Jesus, he also just said:

“All the pretty girls are from Slovakia. Like her (points to random woman who may or may not be from Slovakia, but I’m guessing no) From Eastern Europe. That’s why I speak all those languages, to meet those beautiful girls.”

And he finally just said:

“The only thing to fear is fear itself.”

And he was trying to pass that off as his own pearl of wisdom. Classy. You old fucking freak.

Help.

1. I saw milk being delivered this morning! To a person’s home. By…a milkman. I have never seen such a thing in my entire life (and I have seen much in my years…all 25 of them). It was cool. I was probably staring. The milkman looked a little scared. But I feel pretty good, about seeing something I’ve never seen before, just heard about in stories…from ye olden times.

2. http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/#mea=161141

It’s my favorite show. And I can’t get the online episodes over here because…well, frankly I don’t know. It’s really upsetting. I am MISSING things! But I found this on the show’s website, and it made me happy. However, if you don’t follow the US “Office” don’t bother. It kind of only makes sense to the die hard fans.

This blog entry has been brough to you by the letters A and D, as well as espresso and the blatant abuse of the “…” to extend my thoughts.

Ooooh, Look how AWESOME this is!!! It’s so silly I actually love it. I would never buy it, but I’m glad it exsits.

My giant uber nerd fantasy just came true (Ok, maybe not entirely, usually my uber nerd fantasy features Apollo from “Battlestar Galactica” but that’s for another day). Do you know what this IS?! It’s a USB port shaped like the Tardis from Doctor Who!! Amazon.com describes the product as: Four port powered USB 2.0 hub – allows you to connect multiple USB devices to your computer. You can use the TARDIS as a non-powered hub by plugging it into your USB port and not using the power supply it comes with. When powered, and you plug it into the USB port on your computer, the blue light on the top lights up and when you plug anything into the TARDIS itself, it makes the classic ‘dematerialisation’ noise and the light slowly flashes on and off. There is a button on the back to switch the sound off if required!

It’s got the lights! And makes the noise! (Oh I live for the noise!) And it’s (somewhat) useful.  Neat-o.

Congrats London! In week one and a half, you have managed to produce a freak-on-a-bus to rival any freak-on-a-bus New York has ever seen!! Maybe the most gloriously freaky freak ever.

I will call him: Raggedy Anndrogynous. Because he seriously looked like the love child of Raggedy Ann and Lou from “Little Britain.”

plus

RA was definitely a dude (complete with bulging Adam’s apple and 5 o’clock shadow, but he was dressed head to toe in pink and purple sweats, and was brushing out his gel-infused, shoulder length, candy apple red curls. I seriously could not take my eyes off of him.

I mean, was he just eccentric? Or should I put out an APB to several asylums to see if they happen to be missing a crazy man? A crazy man with horrendous fashion sense?

My favorite moment with Raggedy Anndrogynous was when he pulled out a pocket pack of tissues, removed them from the original packaging, and began meticulously re-folding them. I glanced at the lady sitting next to me, a young Latina woman, and she too was staring at him and looked flabberghasted. She was as unnerved and stupefied as I. I guess I wasn’t really frightened, more amused. Because I’m sad to say, I think even I (an actual lady) am more manly than Raggedy Anndrogynous.

Quick blog today.

So I’m at Starbucks (for the internet, I swear) and there are three snotty English girls at the table next to me. One of them just said, “Look at the art on these walls. It’s shit.”

Uhm, miss, if you look at the names of the artists, you’ll find THEY ARE ALL CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 8!!

You’re an even bigger jerk than I am.

I should say “Why don’t you just shut your cakehole and keep eating that croissant, Fatterson.”

But I wouldn’t say that ever. Because I keep emotions on the inside. Where they belong.

Ok, maybe you guys knew this and I didn’t (why didn’t you tell me?) that when you live in a cute but sort of ghetto flat in London, you get your electricity but unplugging a small key out of the wall, taking it down to your local gas station, and asking them to “top it up” with money.

WHAT THE HELL?

Does nobody believe in good old fashioned “bills” anymore? It was really weird to get my electricity at the gas station this morning, let me tell you.

Next thing you know babies will be born in the canned goods aisle of the supermarket and cigarettes will be given as a thoughtful get well present.

Whoops. Looks like I guessed everything COMPLETELY wrong.

At least 30 Rock won. There is SOME justice in the world.

Dear TV Gods. Get Conan O’Brien back. Ryan Seacrest? C’mon.

I’m not going to get to watch the Emmy Awards tonight (because they start at midnight UK time, and I don’t have a TV) so I’m going to have to find out if everyone I want to win did in the morning.

While I’m pretty sure that two shows I don’t care about (The Sopranos and Ugly Betty) will win the top prizes, I thought you should know who I’m cheering for.  But yes, I don’t care about mobsters from Jersey or the pseudo-homely girl with the heart of gold. Sorry.

Best Comedy: In my magical world, it’s The Office or 30 Rock. Shows that are actually funny. If Two and a Half Men wins I’m sure there will be polite applause followed by mass suicide.

Best Drama: Heroes!! Doesn’t stand a chance against Sopranos, but I love mutants more than mobsters. Besides, Sylar had interesting ways of “whacking” people. Tony Soprano never cut anybody’s skull open and sucked powers from their brains, did he? Ha!

Lead Comedy Actor: Steve Carell or Ricky Gervais. You know. I’d take Alec Baldwin too. Just please not Tony Shaloub again. He’s good, but I think he’s done very well for “that dude from Wings.” Enough!

Lead Drama Actor: Hugh Laurie. HE’S AMAZING.

Lead Comedy Actress: Tina Fey (who has shown such marked improvement since the series began) or Mary-Louise Parker (who makes drug dealing look so damn cute)

Lead Drama Actress: Blech. What a boring category. Sorry, it is. BORING. CATEGORY. And it should be the most exciting category. Kyra Sedgwick is cool. She can have it.

Supporting Comedy Actor: I can decide between Rainn Wilson and Neil Patrick Harris. Such torn loyalties between my favorite show and my long-time-gay-crush! Argh!  Maybe they could share it. You know, joint custody.

Supporting Drama Actor: I love Masi Oka, but Michael Emerson is the best thing to happen to LOST in a reaaaallly long time. He’s kind of saved the show. He should get it.

Supporting Comedy Actress: If Jenna Fischer doesn’t win, God will kill a kitten.

Supporting Drama Actress: Chandra Wilson is the best (and often, only) reason to watch Grey’s Anatomy.

There you have it folks. I’m pretty sure none of my choices will win, but I’ll put ‘em out there in hopes that maybe, just maybe, there is some showbiz justice in the world. Anyway, I’ll have fun looking at the pictures of it online tomorrow!!

I just need to say that I’m 4 days into a free 30 day trial of photoshop (because I am too cheap to buy the real thing) and it’s awesome. It’s really the best way to preoccupy yourself (and freak out strangers) when you travel. Check out my latest masterpiece:

I mean, OBVIOUSLY it’s not a good job, but I think therein lies the charm. Stay tuned for a few more of those over the remaining 26 days of the trial.

Also, I just wanted to say I don’t “Heart” anything, people, I LOVE stuff. “Heart” is so half-assed and non-commital. It makes you sound like a six year old girl playing with her glittery princess dolls.

The only acception to the rule is, and really you know it means love anyway:

Don’t be scared of the love.

Somewhere, Kevin Federline is washing down a stack of pancakes with a lukewarm can of Schlitz and thinking to himself “I could have done better.”

WHAA WHAAAAT?

We’ve all seen footage of Britney’s VMA comeback disaster. (I think the term I’m hearing thrown around most often is “shiteous”). But oh, don’t you remember the days before this:

When her VMA performances were actually kind of awesome and fierce, like this:

I mean, wow. How far they fall. But I’m sure she has a nice comfy pile of old liquor bottles and hypodermic needles to cushion the blow.

Mean? Maybe. You know I love the fact that I can now claim to be a better dancer than Britney. But then again, so can my friend’s two year old neice.