A Tapered Mind

March 2007.

Stuck in a dark corner of a cold, white office building “A Tapered Mind” was born out of the fumes of an underworked imagination. Old blog postings from MySpace were imported, and several snappy formats were tried out before the “green tunnel” we all know and love was selected.

Thank you to all who stop here. It’s appreciated. Now spread the word and make me famous, dammit!!!

One year of childish rantings = totally deserving of extravagant cake.

Today I was suggesting to a friend that he watch the British show “The IT Crowd” when suddenly I thought – “I should tell everyone to watch it! Because it is awesome. Ooooh. I am hungry. Oh, damn, there’s no food. Damn Damn Damn.” And so my thought pattern went.

I was first exposed to the show by friends with excellent taste, whilst slightly high and full of gourmet pizza. This is the best way to view pretty much anything, but if it’s hilarious, so much the better. “The IT Crowd” is basically about the lives of two huge (read: great) nerds named Roy and Moss, and their computer illiterate/socially mobile boss Jen. It’s fantastic. Written by the same man who did “Father Ted” it’s just simple pleasure. In this world, Nerd is King and that’s the way I like it.

The characters are so well developed, and though the story-lines are never particularly earth-shattering (but then again, neither was “Cheers” and that show ROCKED) the little throw-away one liners are just priceless. Two examples:

Example One:

Moss: Chairman WOW! You just diffused that situation!

(I will now use that expression as often as humanly possible)

Example Two:

Roy: (singing) We don’t need no education….

Moss: Yes, you do. You’ve just used a double negative.

CLASSIC!!

Now, here’s the thing. NBC has remade a version of “The IT Crowd” keeping on board only the guy who played Moss (who’s fantastic) and replaced Roy with some dude and Jen with the lovely Jessica St. Clair. As much as I would like to think it would be awesome (I mean, I adore “The Office”) something just doesn’t feel quite right to me. I’m guessing it doesn’t feel right to NBC either, as it’s shelved the show indefinitely. So if you can get your hands on a DVD copy (or YouTube, whatever is convenient) it’s well worth a look. Even the opening credits are clever.

It’s not often that I Love/Hate something. I’m pretty good at deciding whether or not to bestow my affection, or dump a big bucket of haterade on it.

But last night I rented (via ITunes! Suck on that Blockbuster!) Julie Taymor’s Across the Universe, a story of love set in the midst of Vietnam era America. I’m totally confused. Parts of it were absolutely genius (two musical sequences to be precise) and other parts were just laughably stupid and bad, and make you wonder how someone in the editing room didn’t go “Hang on, this sucks!”

A nice bit of eye candy was this dude, Jim Sturgess. He is totes cute and British. And he sings! (swoon)

But I’ve come to the conclusion that this love/hate is just what I feel about Julie Taymor’s work in general. She has such a gift for jaw-dropping visuals, but when it comes to keeping a story afloat, she just completely loses it. For example, there were two wasted cameos in the film from Bono and Eddie Izzard (both of whom I love) to musical numbers that were just not thought through at all. At. All. This leaves me more than a little concerned about the forthcoming SPIDERMAN musical (not kidding) which Taymor is directing, with music provided by Bono and the Edge (really, really not kidding.)

So if you’ve seen this film, let me know what you think. The numbers that I really enjoyed were “I’ve Just Seen A Face” and “I Want You (She’s So Heavy).” Discuss.

Back in 1995, when I was but a wee thing of 13, my dad and I really enjoyed watching one television show together. We saw shit blown up, crimes solved, and justice administered with a steely grin and a right hook. This show was called “The Marshall” and its star was one Jeff Fahey

Oh man, I loved that show. But when it went off the air, I didn’t see Jeff Fahey anymore. Thing is, I wasn’t looking hard enough! He was everywhere! You may have seen him yourself in The Lawnmower Man, Sketch Artist, Wyatt Earp, Operation Delta Force, Jonny 2.0, Inferno, Hijack, Darkman III: Die Darkman Die, or more recently, Grindhouse. He pops up in just about everything!

And now, he’s made his way into the super-duper-big-leagues: he has a part on “LOST” as mysterious pilot Frank Lapidus (whom all the characters call “La-pee-dus” though I can only imagine it as rhyming with “rapid-us” – whatevs). The funny part is when he first appeared on the show, I didn’t recognize him! Probably because he has this big scary beard.

(Take THAT ZZ Top!!)

I went to imdb.com, the source of all useless and nerdy info, and found out that not only is he one of the busiest working actors, he seems like a really cool guy too. One of THIRTEEN children. Broadway actor. Took up dancing at age 25 (when most dancers are already starting to “get old” and was awarded a scholarship to the Joffrey Ballet, where he danced for three years!!! Incredible!!) He has also taught ballroom dancing, owns a production company, a construction company, and founded the “Black Sheep Grips” group of film grips.

Good lord! What hasn’t this man done?!?!

Jeff Fahey: Renaissance man. I hope “LOST” brings you your greatly deserved moment in the spotlight.

The format of this entry is pretty much a GIANT rip-off of my professional icon, Mindy Kaling’s, blog (Things I’ve Bought That I Love) but because I’m 100% flat broke, it’ll be more of a “dream” and “already own it” edition. you ready?

1. Oasis’ (yes, remember them? It’s like 1994 all over again) song “Little By Little.” A sublime balance of whiny angst and power-ballad. It just completely hits the spot right now. With lyrics like “little by little, the wheels of your life have slowly fallen off” how could you not agree?

2. This T-Shirt about Jesus and Noah playing hockey. I don’t have it, but it amuses me. I bet it amuses Jesus too.

3. British TV on the computer. Thanks to such GENIUS inventions as Channel 4 on demand and the BBC iplayer, I can finally enjoy such awesomeness as The IT Crowd, Hotel Babylon, and as much Father Ted as I please. However, I have to say I’m never going to get into EastEnders (sorry) and Shameless really doesn’t do it for me – even if it has the pre-fame hotness of James McAvoy. Which brings me to….

4. James McAvoy. Dude, Wanted is going to be off the hiz-zay!! Woot. I found this pretty awesome snap where you can’t even tell it’s him!

I was going to take a portrait photography class for fun at another school, but since the move has financially fucked me, that’ll have to wait for a while. I do love an interesting snapshot. I’d love to just set up a white wall in my flat and have friends over to play “photo shoot.”

5. Trish McEvoy (HA – a different McEvoy!) and her incredible Blackberry and Vanilla musk shower gel.

My mom got me the travel size of it for Christmas (note: it’s mid-March, I’m using it only for special occaisons to savor it, and use regular soap for the daily grind.) The smell!! Oh it’s so heavenly. I might buy some more the next time I’m stateside, it really does just kind of envelop you in happiness while in the shower.

6. Leatherheads. April 4th y’all. April 4th. Johnny K, Uncle George, period garb and football. I’m so excited.

7. Pasta al Limone – Ok I haven’t actually eaten this yet. But I watched a show (on Channel 4 on Demand!) telling me how to make it! And it looks so easy, even a kitchen idiot like me can do it! I hope it tastes as delicious as the picture.

8. Tatoos – Still want it. A small, discrete one. But am I too old? Do I care? I think it’ll be really cool if my brother designs it. Then it’s not just “body art” it’s like “I carry a piece of you with me always.” I feel like I’m going to end up with something to do with the sea.

9. Tommyguns Conditioner – HOLY CRAP. My hair is so soft and nice. And smells good too. With a badass name on such a sweet little product, it’s a win-win situation. I use the Plum and Marshmallow conditioner. Scrumptious. Totally gay but scrumptious.

10. HOPE. Yup. Hope’s the new black, people. Because no matter the shitty week you’ve had, you’re going to be ok. My friend is wait-listed for grad school. My brother has his professional showcase coming up. I’m trying to move/not die in the process. We’ve all got stuff on our plates. So have a little hope. Life won’t throw it at you if you can’t handle it. The waiting sucks. The anticipation is not fun. But we get by, with the help of friends, with the patience and love of family. According to Google (who never lies) an anchor is a symbol of hope. You know what else is a symbol of hope? SUPERMAN!!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

(I am not suicidal. Let me explain.)

I’m having a really bad week. It’s one of those weeks where you feel like your life is just like leaping from one giant mistake to another, with no relief in sight. I’m trying to move. I’ve found a great flat, and though the deposit is a bit steep (two months rent!) the overall rent is much cheaper than my current place, and it’s so much closer to the tube and school!

So what’s the problem? Getting rid of my old place. Because I’m still tied here until I find another person to take my place, and that is proving quite difficult. I can’t pay two rents, and the stress of that situation has left me with an alternating dull ache/sharp jolt of pain in my head. For a few brief minutes today, I wondered what I could possibly do to make this situation go away. Death came up briefly, but was quickly dismissed. I enjoy living, even if life has been sucking pretty hard for quite some time now. Run away? No where to go. Fake accident and collect insurance? Fuck! I don’t even have insurance!

So to celebrate this glorious day of St. Patrick (and to take my mind off my self-absorbed little problems) I decided to do two things:

1.) Do something nice for other people and stop being a self-absorbed jackass. So I signed up for London’s Race for Life in June. It’s a 5K to raise money for Cancer Research. I’m really freaking excited. I’ll probably bombard this site with stuff about it later, but for the time being, http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/jamiecwylie

2.) Enjoy REAL Irish culture! No I didn’t dye my hair green, chug a Guinness, or eat anything potato-related. These are silly stereotypes! No friends, today I was classy.

I watched Once the movie about the lovesick Irish busker and his Czech immigrant unrequited love. It was cute. Not mind-blowing or anything, but very sweet and real. Great performance from the leads, who apparently hooked up off-screen as well. (Result!) Anyways, the music is good, so good in fact, that they won an Oscar for it! (Yes, they are so talented, they are good actors and quality musicians as well!)

How nice. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl make low-budget indie gem. Boy gets girl. Boy and girl get Oscar.

Then I watched the true jewel in the crown of Irish culture. Father Ted. It’s like Frasier but about a priest and set in Ireland. Seriously. It’s just adorable and has some great slapsticky moments. I’ve only seen about five episodes now, but I’m such a fan. The only sad bit is that Dermot Morgan, who played Father Ted, died after they wrapped series 3! But seriously, check it out if you can. It’s awesome.

(Father Ted is 2nd from the right). But wait!! There’s something even COOLER! The guy on the far right, Ardal O’Hanlon, who played dopey but loveable Dougal was ALSO in one of my favorite episodes of Doctor Who playing Brannigan, the Man-Cat!!

FIERCE!!!!

Awwww. Today, in response to the “Fall of the House of Madden” post, I got my first hateful comment from a complete stranger.

I thought about leaving it, but then decided, nah, and deleted it.

My best friend used to LOVE Good Charlotte – or I should say – she used to love the Madden Brothers, twins Joel and Benji ,who front the pop-punk outfit. Awwww. Just look at ‘em. With their tough-guy poses and smooshed-up little faces. Hey, is that my eyeliner? You guys! You smudged it!

(Not my type at all, but hey, different strokes)

Anyways, now she HATES them. Because Joel was foolish enough to forget to use protection with Nicole Richie (spawning a baby whose names sounds suspiciously like “harlot”) and now Benji is just putting his genitals through a game of Russian Roulette by daring to “date” Paris Hilton! And wear the ugliest looking ring (with “PH” in diamonds) on his wedding finger! God’s speed boys. You’re gonna need it.

The funniest part is that the brothers Madden are (as my BF told me) from Waldorf, Maryland!! A hilariously stupid part of the state which I used to drive past regularly. And to end this blog on an even more awkward note, I have in fact met Benji Madden and had a really unimpressive conversation with him about it.

My BF asked me to go with her to a Good Charlotte concert about five years ago. I didn’t know any better at the time, so I said sure. After the concert, she went off in pursuit of Joel (her preference) and I sort of dilly-dallied about. When Benji surfaced from backstage, I said “WALDORF!” He seemed taken aback. But he came over to talk/flirt unsuccessfully. The conversation went something like this:

B: You know Waldorf?

J: I grew up around Alexandria.

B: Alexandria!! No way! So cool – what part?

J: Uhm, my parents live around Mount Vernon and my high school was near Old Town.

B: Old Town!

J: Yes.

B: King Street!

J: Yes.

B: King Streeeeeet!

J: Well, it was nice to meet you, have a good tour. bye bye.

On Friday I received my newly altered grades and am delighted to tell you that not only did I not fail out of school, but I actually did as well (or better) than some of my classmates who did NOT get dicked over in that other assignment!!

*hella smart!*

To celebrate, I went out and got obliterated. Subsequently, I am on the wagon (the one not carrying booze). Takin’ it easy. Urgh. Seriously. Try showing a room to a prospective tennant when all you want to do is pass out on the bed and/or die.

By now, we’ve all heard the sad news that Dirty Dancing’s Patrick Swayze has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The survival rate for those diagnosed is less than %5 live more than five years after diagnosis.

Our thoughts and prayers are with him. In order to honor his still ass-kicking life, I thought I’d post this AWESOME photo from his other classic film Road House.

I mean, look at that. He’s so handsome. And it’s a last call…..for action!! Fierce! Go get ‘em Patrick!!!

In other news, I’ve finished writing a full legnth play, which is enormously pleasing. Went to see my friends doing their end-of-term performances last night and they were overall quite good, which is nice, because I’m bad at the whole “lying to their faces” thing. So that’s nice. There was some really fucking clever stuff going on.

I also need to change my hair. I really really want to go short and/or blonde like Pink:

However, as I am not a rock-bodied pop star, and am instead a gawky and awkard writer, I’m thinking this is not a good idea. Besides, what looks so cool on her will probably just look kind of dykey on me. And I mean that with love to all my lesbians out there. You ladies can rock the short hair so much better than I can. And that makes me jealous. Because as much as I’d love the “wash-and-go” simplicity of a short haircut, with my unruly curls I’d probably come out of the salon looking like this:

Oh well.