Spidey Sense Feels Imminent Disaster

 Apparently, the Broadway musical, “Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark” has hit a bit of a roadbump and run out of money. The estimated running cost of this musical (millions of dollars per week) would need it to sell out every night for five years just to break even. And it hasn’t opened. Needless to say, I think we should just call this one Julie Taymor’s “Lost in La Mancha” and call it a day. I don’t think anyone really wanted a Sprider Man musical anyway, did they? Just the thought of it made me go “Meh.” Sure, it would probably look awesome, with some web slinging tricks, but I really think Sam Raimi managed to make that all look AMAZING on screen, and to be honest, I’m not sure it’s the type of story that will translate to stage.

As for the music of Bono and the Edge, that could be cool. Or it could be kind a disaster. I mean, do I have to sit through a ballad from Mary Jane Watson about how she feels there could be something more to Peter Parker, but she really just loves Spider Man? NOOOO!

Maybe they will make the money back and the show will go on as planned. I’m ready to be proven wrong, I just think my Spidey sense hasn’t failed me yet…..

 

G.I. Joe & Julia

Last night, on the way home from a lovely night out with my friend Katie, I had the (mildly intoxicated) idea for next summer’s big hit movie. This is gonna be a big one. Are you ready?

G.I. Joe & Julia

(Coming to a theatre near you….Summer 2010)

Combining two big hits of this summer (they even came out on the same day!) G.I. Joe & Julia will find Destro (Christopher Eccleston) not finding work at COBRA fulfilling now that Cobra Commander is in charge and the Baroness has shacked up with Duke again. To get his mojo back, he begins cooking his way through Julia Child’s famous cookbook.  We will also get to see moments of Julia child’s time as a spy (because she fucking was! What a bad ass!) intercut with battles between G.I. Joe and Cobra. But most importantly, we will see Destro in an apron, blowing away a dozen members of the Crimson Guard when his souffle falls.

 

Can we make this movie tomorrow? This has MTV MOVIE AWARDS written all over it.

 

Inappropriate Crush of the Day

Holy crap!

Zach Morris (Mark Paul Gosselar) has still got it! Whew! 20 years (which I refuse to believe) after Saved by the Bell MPG is still lookin’ hella fine. If he still had that HUGE mobile phone (Google Zach Morris phone to get an idea of how freakin’ big this phone was), I would give him my number.

 

It Might Be Earlier Than 2012

You know the apocalpyse is on its way when you see headlines like TITO JACKSON DEMANDS JUSTICE.

 

Speaking of 2012 can we talk about Roland Emmerich’s upcoming film, please? They screened the trailer before Harry Potter and I got really upset. I think that in times of ongoing war and financial fuckery, the last thing, THE. LAST. THING. we need is some dumb ass movie about the end of the world that casually depicts millions of people dying horrible, terrifying deaths, with “special effects.” John Cusack, Chiwitel Ejiofor, I really thought better of you.

 

Dear Green Hornet

Dear Green Hornet Movie,

Since you have foolishly let Stephen Chow slip out of your fingers as both director AND Kato, I have a few suggestions.

1.) Get Stephen Chow back in both jobs. Michel Gondry is a talented guy, but has yet to deliver as a director (purely opinion, obviously others will disagree) and Chow’s “Kung Fu Hustle” and “Shaolin Soccer” are f’ing classics. He knows how to do action/funny like nobody else.

2.) Do NOT cast Nicolas Cage as the villian!

3.) Don’t cast Cameron Diaz as Seth Rogen’s love interest! I don’t mind Ms. Diaz but just picturing her and Rogen gives my stomach the queasies. No mas.

 

Pink Has Greatest Idea Ever

Oh. My. Goodness.

First off, apologies to AK and BI, who I know read this to alleviate boredom at work. Thank you! I know I’ve been bad with the posting, largely due to the fact that I’m stuck at work myself. But due to working all the time, I’ve seen the future, and Pink is taking us there.

I see a lot of music videos on the job. A lot. Mostly bad ones, but also some great ones, like Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” (that dance is so damn good.) When I saw the music video for Pink’s “Sober” I dismissed it, because frankly I don’t really like the song. However, the next few times I saw the video I realized two things. 1.) Pink has great hair. 2.) In the video, she MAKES OUT WITH HERSELF.

Stop the presses. 

Yes, making out with yourself. Granted, Pink only does it in the video because it’s some kind of “terrible to be drunk/ wrestling with your own demons” thingy, but sweet jesus, what an idea. Because making out is the best. And since finding a suitable partner is so damn hard these days, why not just make out with yourself! It would just rock. The ultimate in self love. You would always be faithful to yourself. No STDs. No sloppy “stop trying to eat my face, please” issues. If I could truly just make out with myself I would probably never leave the house. I would take time outs to eat, but other than that, all my recreational activities would just be shot. I would try watching a movie, but then I would just ignore the movie and make out with myself.

 

I’d Like To Make The World A Mix…..

Although treating all dozen readers of this blog to a Coke would be more fiscally viable, I really love sharing music with people, and have been told (puffs chest with pride) that I’m pretty damn good at it. Mix tapes = a cheesy “I love you, man.” and a nice accompaniment to any road trip. Since it would take me too long to try and burn a lot of CDs (and mail them) I will just post a short list of the jams I am loving at the moment.

1. Zero – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2. Scream – Michael & Janet Jackson 

3. Daylight – Matt & Kim (whom my best friend is obesessed with)

4. We Walk – Ting Tings

5. Give It To Me – Madonna

6. American Boy – Estelle and Kanye West

7. Wild Wild Life – Talking Heads (CLASSIC OLD SCHOOL)

8. In This City – Hartley & Iglu (sounds like MGMT)

9. All My Days – From the “Away We Go” Soundtrack

10. Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas (I’m the only person I know who likes this song)

11. In My Arms – Kylie Minogue

12. Run – Leona Lewis (her cover of Snow Patrol reduces me to a blubbering blob of blubber)

13. My Eyes – Travis

Lucky 13. Listen and enjoy. Or not. But I would if I were you. But I’m not. I’m me. So there.

 

Have You Seen This Poofy-Hair??

Kodak is offering $5,000 to anyone who can identify and track down the kid whose rose was rebuffed (accidentally….sure) by Megan Fox at the Transformers 2 premiere

 

 

 

 

OOOOH, OOOOOOH PICK MEEE! I KNOW WHERE HE IS!!

1979.

Fire up the Flux Capacitor Doc! I gotta get to the Clocktower!

 

Transformers 2: Revenge of A Terrible Script (PS. I love you, Bumblebee)

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen apparently made something like 55 Million dollars on its FIRST DAY alone. Of course $17 of that was mine, courtesy of a midnight IMAX screening in Times Square (for which I had to literally que around an entire NYC block). And I’ll see it again. I am a very popular movie-going companion. But I’m sad to say, while it does have lots of fun little dork-outs moments for the faithful (The Matrix of leadership! Devastator! Soundwave!! Eeeeek!) it has none of the heart or ingenuity of the original. Every Michael Bay garbage summer movie trick is stuffed into a jumbled “plot” before a solid 40 minutes of action leads to a “See you for the next movie” ending. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love the robots and the tech stuff. The real love story though, is Sam and Bumblebee. I honestly got a little choked up whenever Sam got in trouble and Bumblebee came to his rescue. So emotional. Why can’t I have a car as loving and wonderful as Bee? Come to think of it, why can’t I have a car?

 

I Actually Pity The Fool

Following in the footsteps of the great Mr. T (or “Saint T” as this fucking awesome stained glass representation depicts), I have begun to pity fools

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the fool I pity the most? Robert Pattinson.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why pity someone who is good looking and has bazillions of dollars? I’ll tell you why. Because:

1.) The Twilight movies are not so in the goodness.

2.) The Twilight fans (not all, but at least the ones here in NYC) are madpants, batshit crazy and have been stalking this guy while he’s trying to film another, real movie! (Good luck with that. I bet they do vampire re-shoots after a test audience riots in the movie theatre). I have seen tons of photos of Hot Topic bedecked girls throwing his head (watch the hair! The hair, dammit!) into a headlock and trying to snap photos for their Facebooks (“OMG me n’ my future BF! LOL!”). It’s just painfully clear that there is no regard for his personal space or safety. Apparently some overzealous ones accidentally jostled him…in front of a speeding cab!

He’s got money and can probably pick and choose projects as he pleases now, but I wonder if there’s a large part of him that would sell his (immortal, vampire) soul to get a little bit of his privacy back.