Bizarre Infatuation of the Day

Most people, when asked about their Newscaster Crush (because we all have one, don’t lie) would say Anderson Cooper (aka “The Silver Fox” or “Mah Boo”) or Brian Williams (actually great on Saturday Night Live).

But what about…David Muir?

Is it the tall handsome thing? The respectable anchor voice? The fact that he’s dizzyingly intelligent, informed and opinionated?

He’s like the Clark Kent of the evening news.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would like to see him chat with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. That might be the most exciting meeting of minds since Chuck Norris went to Applebee’s with Mr. T (in my mind).

 

Michael. Farrah. What Everyone Is Talking About.

If you have been trapped in a space capsule / nuclear fallout shelter / open field with no TV, radio, or intranets, then you may have missed that both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson passed away today. Ms. Fawcett after a long battle with cancer, and Mr. Jackson after going into cardiac arrest. Ed McMahon also passed away yesterday, creepily and horribly completing the “Rule of Three,” which I wish weren’t true, but God damn it, people keep dying in threes! So here, in no particular order and after a very very long day of work (called in at 1 rather than 2 and worked til 11) are some thoughts on the matter.

*I am sorry these people have died. They had families who loved them, and that is something quite sad.

*Farrah is in a better, post-cancer place. No more suffering. Insert your own “Angel” joke here.

*A friend of mine wrote on his Facebook status that “The King of Pop died years ago. Today a sad, sick man died.” And just because I love MJ’s music doesn’t mean I don’t agree with him. I think that’s why people are so fascinated, because a seriously messy and tabloid life has come to an end.

*But was the end REALLY that surprising?!?! He was 50 years old. And in crappy health. His face was melting (sorry, it was) and he was always wearing germ masks, and looking generally gaunt and unwell. One can’t assume a body in that condition will last. It’s so bizarre to think he was scheduled to perform in London in just over two weeks. I wonder what will happen to the millions of tour t-shirts that will never sell. Straight to EBay?

*Final thought. Farrah has totally gotten Mother Teresa’d by MJ. If you don’t understand the following statement, you’re clearly not as insensitive as I am. Years ago (11 I believe) Mother Teresa died and we were all very saddened, that the world had lost a woman who did so much good, so selflessly. But she was old, and it was not a great shocker. The world began to mourn. Then HOURS later, Princess Diana, beautiful, fucked-up and fascinating, died in a horrific and unexpected manner. And the spotlights of the world turned to her and stayed there. Mother Teresa faded to the back pages. Which is probably how she would have wanted it anyway, but do you see what I mean? Farrah Fawcett is the new Mother Teresa (another sentence I would never in a million years imagine myself typing). Hopefully, this is good for her family though, because they will be given a lot more space in which to sort themselves out. Not so much MJ’s kids though, and for that I feel awful. Seriously press people. I know it’s fascinating, but those kids are already going to be balls-deep in therapy soon. Let ‘em be.

 

Josh Duhamel Makes A Valid Point

In response to Will.I.Am’s smackdown of Perez Hilton, Josh Duhamel, hot guy and spouse of Will’s bandmate Fergie said the following:

“He goes a little below the belt, and when you poke somebody in the chest enough and when you call them enough names, I think it’s good to get your nose bloody.”

He makes a valid point I think. While PH (and I) have the freedom to write/say what we want, if you really “poke the bear” (to borrow a phrase from my friend) the bear will eventually use his giant paws to smack your face off.

Interesting.

 

Have You Seen This Poofy-Hair??

Kodak is offering $5,000 to anyone who can identify and track down the kid whose rose was rebuffed (accidentally….sure) by Megan Fox at the Transformers 2 premiere

 

 

 

 

OOOOH, OOOOOOH PICK MEEE! I KNOW WHERE HE IS!!

1979.

Fire up the Flux Capacitor Doc! I gotta get to the Clocktower!

 

Beware….The KILLER TAN!!!

Now that it’s finally summer (though judging by the weather in New York, you cannot bloody tell) everyone and their mother is suddenly obsessed with the pallor of their skin! “Oooh I’m so pasty” “Look at my legs, I’m like a ghost.” and so on and so forth. I even work across the street from a tanning place that is open 24 HOURS!! Who in the world thinks at 4am “I’m going to get myself a tan!” My boss said “Ooooh I’m gonna go” and I nearly slapped the teefs outta her mouth! Friends don’t let friends tan drunk. In fact….friends really should let friends tan at all, and I’ll tell you why (in a hopefully non-offensive and non-preachy manner….but I will not hesitate to smack your teefs out too, if you say crazy things like you want to lock yourself in a sunbed at 4am).

Deep under our desire to be beachy, bronzed summerboys and girls (I sort of blame the influx of sexy Brazilian models for this…Gisele, I’m looking at your absurdly perfect face), lies the frailty of our own tender epidermis. Yes, a little vitamin D on the skin is essential. I’m not saying go become a shut-in. But when you think about it, too much sun exposure, or even worse concentrated frying UVA/UVB rays is insane. Why do we wear sunglasses to shield our eyes, and leave our skin to fend for itself?Think of sunscreen like Ray-Bans for your skin. Hip, fashionable, and necessary. Check out this super interesting article:

http://www.dermanetwork.org/news/news_details.asp?ID=550

Frankly, I love the idea of limiting sunbed use by minors. Not only do I believe it will drastically cut the number of young people diagnosed with melanoma, but hopefully there will be fewer orange, wrinkly fourteen year olds scaring the crap out of me on the streets. You haven’t screamed from the depths of your soul until you’ve seen a fourteen year old who looks more like a forty year old. Or a forty year old who dresses like a fourteen year old. But that’s another issue altogether.

The majority of skin damage happens in our youth, when we don’t think much of our quick pre-prom tan, or that sunburn we got at beach week. We’re young, we’re invincible, and we bounce back. But even those of us who have never lain upon a tanning bed end up with irreversible damage. And I’m speaking from experience. Three years ago I had a misshapen mole appear amongst the freckles on my back. My father, having also undergone extensive (and hugely uncomfortable) treatments for his own melanoma, told me to see a dermatologist right away. The mole was easy to spot as one of the “evil” kind and I’ll let you know what you need to be looking for, so you can check out your own skin with the facts on your side! In the May 2009 issue of GLAMOUR magazine, they issue an excellent (rip-out-and-keep-good) list of skin irregularities to watch out for, including Atypical moles, Basal Cell Carcinoma, Squamous Cell Carcinoma and Melanoma. The article also encourages readers to check parts of their body not usual exposed to sun (chest, underarms) and crazy places you would never guess (under nails! under eyelids!) Look for spots:

*Changes in color, most often much darker than others

*Changes in texture, most often a feeling of being “bumpier” than others, with ridged edges

*A mole that appears quickly and grabs your attention

Examples of these can be found on many health-related websites, and are important to check out. Even if you think “It’s probably nothing”, GET IT CHECKED OUT ANYWAY. Even now, I have a standing appointment with a dermatologist next month to get another suspicious blotch on my skin dealt with. And I’ll be honest, it’s scary, it sucks, and it hurts. But if it is something that could save my life, then you know I’m going to do it!

As for your need for a tan (because I am not entirely cruel) I suggest two options.

1.) Fakey tan. There are so many good brands that don’t make you oompa-loompa orange. I’ve gotten good feedback on the Neutrogena and Jergens brands. And ladies, if you are tanning because you think your boyfriend will dig it, I can 100% guarantee that he won’t be able to tell the difference between “tan” you and “regular” you. 

2.) Embrace the paler you! English rose is hot right now. Think Keira Knightley, Rachel Weisz, Emma Watson beauty. Not bad, right? I’d like to look like that. 

Enjoy the sun. Enjoy your freckles (they’re my favorite feature). Just remember to keep it SPF’d like whoa, and that tanning beds lead to a lot of unnecessary troubles.

 

A Tapered Mind Salutes: Servicemen and Women

A Tapered Mind is proud to salute the men and women who serve their country, thus making sure that clumsy idiots such as myself don’t accidentally start international incidents. Be sure to thank, hug, high five, them. And remember those who weren’t lucky enough to come home.

Let us take a page from Winston Churchill’s book and go forward together. Happy Memorial Day.

 

Lobsters Love Love

A Tapered Mind recognizes the right of ALL lobsters to fall in love and get married. Hopefully, the United States will recognize the right for all its citizens, with or without claws, to spend eternity with “their lobster”

 

President Barack Obama….50 Days In

President Obama is doing a great job  In high school, we are taught to save the topic sentence until the end of the first paragraph, but fuck that. My topic sentence is first and foremost, and I am going to say it again, President Obama is doing a great job 

8% of the American workforce is jobless right now. Not Mr. O’s fault. He inherited a clusterfuckery of a financial crisis from that other guy (why bother saying the name? Might as well call upon “Candyman” or “Beetlejuice” in terms of them being useful political figures) and has made colossal efforts to move the nation in the right direction. Fought to pass the stimulus. Just like he said he would. Check.

Laying down definitive plans for pulling the troops out of Iraq, and returning the focus of diplomatic relations to Afghanistan. Just like he said he would. Check.

So he’s doing very well for the 1st 50 days of a seriously difficult Presidency. Those who say otherwise, what have you been doing with yourself for the last 50 days? Check.

PS. On an economic side note, why the fuck isn’t Bernie Madoff being taken for everything he owns?!? Him and his wife, who as his book keeper, had to know what he was doing. Somebody needs to kick his ass inside and out. With steel toed boots. Topped with lazers. Liquidate his assets (EVERYTHING) and divide them amongst the people whose lives he ruined. There’s a good start.

 

Aaaannd…..we’re back.

Hello.

 

To celebrate our return, here is a life-affirming picture of kind people rescuing a koala bear from the fires currently going on in Victoria, Australia.

Judging by the look on the koala’s face, he would much prefer a beer to that piddly bottle of water.

 

This gets my Vote

The most HILARIOUS FUCKING PHOTO I have ever seen!!!!