I Want To Be Guy Fieri’s Friend

….or maybe his sidekick in food testing. Because he seems awesome. Look how cool he is! Yes, at first glance, he may look like a cast-off from the Ed Hardy roadshow, but if you just listen to him, you can see that not only is he a very intelligent and talented chef, but HE LOVES FOOD. And you gotta love a guy who loves food and wants to share that love with others.

My current situation leaves me with time in the late evenings to keep my mother company. Our way of bonding is to watch Food Network Late Night (which sounds sketchy, ie, “Skinemax” but is actually very wholesome) especially the incredible show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives which is hosted by Mr. Fieri, and features him driving all over the country eating amazing, gooey, fried, delicious foods. Then he interviews the chefs, gets a few recipes, and speaks to some of the patrons (who are usually hilarious stereotypes of people from whatever region he’s in, such as Southerners, Bostonians, Californians and New Yorkers). It’s INCREDIBLE. He eats burritos, Thai soups, giant cheeseburgers, waffles, you name it, he will eat it. Mr. Fieri even does this move, when the food is too big to fit in his mouth, where he kind of hunches over it like a dinosaur and attacks it from the top.  Truly awe-inspiring.

When Mom and I were watching it Monday (10pm EST, Food Network) I casually said “I would totally be his assistant” and she said I should be his location scouter. I thought about this for a hot minute, how fun it would be to just drive around the country, getting paid to find good places to eat. But then I thought about the other career I want, and decided it probably wasn’t the best idea to try and get a job that would end with me weighing about 350 pounds. Unless my 2nd career after that would be as a linebacker. Or a goalie.

 

Michael. Farrah. What Everyone Is Talking About.

If you have been trapped in a space capsule / nuclear fallout shelter / open field with no TV, radio, or intranets, then you may have missed that both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson passed away today. Ms. Fawcett after a long battle with cancer, and Mr. Jackson after going into cardiac arrest. Ed McMahon also passed away yesterday, creepily and horribly completing the “Rule of Three,” which I wish weren’t true, but God damn it, people keep dying in threes! So here, in no particular order and after a very very long day of work (called in at 1 rather than 2 and worked til 11) are some thoughts on the matter.

*I am sorry these people have died. They had families who loved them, and that is something quite sad.

*Farrah is in a better, post-cancer place. No more suffering. Insert your own “Angel” joke here.

*A friend of mine wrote on his Facebook status that “The King of Pop died years ago. Today a sad, sick man died.” And just because I love MJ’s music doesn’t mean I don’t agree with him. I think that’s why people are so fascinated, because a seriously messy and tabloid life has come to an end.

*But was the end REALLY that surprising?!?! He was 50 years old. And in crappy health. His face was melting (sorry, it was) and he was always wearing germ masks, and looking generally gaunt and unwell. One can’t assume a body in that condition will last. It’s so bizarre to think he was scheduled to perform in London in just over two weeks. I wonder what will happen to the millions of tour t-shirts that will never sell. Straight to EBay?

*Final thought. Farrah has totally gotten Mother Teresa’d by MJ. If you don’t understand the following statement, you’re clearly not as insensitive as I am. Years ago (11 I believe) Mother Teresa died and we were all very saddened, that the world had lost a woman who did so much good, so selflessly. But she was old, and it was not a great shocker. The world began to mourn. Then HOURS later, Princess Diana, beautiful, fucked-up and fascinating, died in a horrific and unexpected manner. And the spotlights of the world turned to her and stayed there. Mother Teresa faded to the back pages. Which is probably how she would have wanted it anyway, but do you see what I mean? Farrah Fawcett is the new Mother Teresa (another sentence I would never in a million years imagine myself typing). Hopefully, this is good for her family though, because they will be given a lot more space in which to sort themselves out. Not so much MJ’s kids though, and for that I feel awful. Seriously press people. I know it’s fascinating, but those kids are already going to be balls-deep in therapy soon. Let ‘em be.

 

Dear Chris Brown

I know I’m the last person in the known world to jump on this bandwagon, but let me just say this quickly.

Dear Chris Brown,

Hitting ladies is terrible. Even if you were enraged, take the high road.

Write if you get work.

xoxo

(x= punch, o=kick)

 

How Awkward…

Hand to God, I cannot tell which Carrie Underwood is real and which one is wax.

 

Surprisingly glum….

About the Madonna-Guy Ritchie divorce.

Don’t know why. People get divorced every day. But you never hope they do, you know?

 

TRAVOLTRON!!!

What happens when the over-active imagination of a pop-culture obsessed dork runs wild!

TRAVOLTRON!

Known to mere mortals as the amazing combination of John Travolta and Voltron. So imagine…

 Plus this….

Travoltron is JT of course, but each “Lion” is a career milestone (with obviously, the Pink Lion representing a hideous error of judgement) The current list of Lions for TRAVOLTRON is thus:

Pink (a huge mistake) = MICHAEL. Fat Angel. Nuff said.

Red (a fearless leader) = PULP FICTION. Redemption tastes goooooood!

Black (absurd and unexpected) = THE EXPERTS (never heard of it? Me neither! But my brother told me about it and it’s fuckin crazy! Read the summary on Imdb http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097314/)

Yellow (unnecessary) = HAIRSPRAY (the dress. the fat. it haunts my dreams!)

Blue (classic) = SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER (night fever, night feeevaaaahhhh!)

 

CLONE WARS

Jimmy Fallon vs. The one from Gossip Girl who I’m 99% sure is a goblin.

VS.

 

10 Things I Am All About Right Now

1. Frankie Boyle – This man is hilarious. Hi-lari-i-ous.

2. “Merry Happy” by Kate Nash (Also this picture of Kate Nash, which is utterly carefree and adorable)

 

3. Corn on the Cob – IT IS SO GOOD! I want to eat it all the time!

4. Video text messages – I just sent one last night to my friend. It was a 10 second clip of me smiling, waving and blowing a kiss. They’re like a little digital high-five. Nice to give and receive.

5. Walking everywhere, avoiding public transit – A way to get slim, save money, and say “whatever, yo” to the transit strikes

6. Day trips – To anywhere.

7. Stoner comedies – Harold and Kumar (I still need to rent the sequel, maybe I’ll do that tonight), Smiley Face (weird but enjoyable), Saving Grace (for the whole family!), Pineapple Express (which has yet to come out in the UK)

8. Thunderstorms – Like the one happening outside my window RIGHT NOW!

9. Guyliner – Glam-rock cute. Works on very few men, but those who rock it, rock it hard. That is to say, pretty much only David Bowie, Brandon Flowers, Eddie Izzard and Ewan McGregor look hot in eyeliner. No, Johnny Depp does NOT look good in eyeliner. He looks like a pirate. Pirate does not equal sexually attractive, of if you think so, this is not the website for you. Go to some Pirate fetish website, you crazy bitch.

10. Creative ways of cleaning my skin – Mud mask anyone?!? (Not terribly sexy, but it’s fun to watch it dry to the color of an old antique, and then crack off your skin like you ARE an antique! Wheeee!)

 

August Wrap-Up

Things that happened in August (in no particular order)

1. Dumped (tres lame. tres cowardly. still really sad.)

 

2. Birthday! (Saw Hamlet at RSC. Was the bomb digs. David Tennant is absurdly good. He made (gasp) strong, clear, well-thought-out choices and stuck to them. Production was great all around. Patrick Stewart was also a welcome addition. Sat near lots of fanboys/fangirls eager to be in touching distance of both “The Doctor” and “Jean-Luc Picard”!)

3. Family emergency (not fun!)

4. Trip to Arundel Castle (fun!)

5. Identity theft and filing of fraud claims (who wants the identitiy of a broke 26 year old? Not me. Wait…)

6. Bank saying they never received said fraud claims (I always get a Southern person on the line when I call their help center, and by the end of the conversation, I find myself speaking in a Southern accent too. That is wack.)

7. Trip to Scotland!

8. Massive falling out with friend!

9. Seeing premiere of new Matthew Bourne piece, Dorian Gray! (The story doesn’t really translate well, but the dancing is flawless and the sexy fellas are nice eye candy – a must for dance-nerds!)

10. Hit by a car! (lightly, but still, how fucking ridiculous!)

11. Thesis advisor tells you to gut massive plot point out of play! You disagree but must do what he wants in order to pass!

12. Massive headache en route back from Scotland…for 4 hours on train. Uncomfortable city.

12.5. John McCain makes cheap and desperate looking move to scoop up Hilary Clinton’s sloppy seconds by picking some chick from Alaska with no experience to be his VP. Subsequently, if McCain kicks off (and he is already 3,000 years old) we will have a President who looks like a less pretty clone hybrid of Tina Fey and Mariska Hargitay of Law and Order: SVU. Also, Mrs. Palin hates gays and choice and happiness and sparkles.

13. Back in time to type-up a motherload of work and hope September will be a big turn-around.

 

The New American Dream

When life hands you lemons (and recently my life has been having a firesale blowout clearance on fucking lemons) don’t bother with lemonade. Just keep this in mind.

Follow your dreams! Dream Big! Reach for the stars!

Because Jerry O’Connell, the fat kid from Stand By Me, totally impregnanted Rebecca Romijn. I mean, next time you think you’re not going to achieve anything in this world, just remember:

That dude, but his babies into

This lady. (Ps. Rebecca Romijn I am digging your cute hair!)

 

All that being said, I’m still feeling lemon-y. I’m going to finish writing, listen to some Death Cab and have a good cry about all my failures….no what….really….I am.