Today’s Winner at Life

Was the guy in Marble Arch who BOOKED it for the bus and made it….while carrying a giant cello (sans case) on his back.

We salute you.

 

Silk Purse From A Sow’s Ear!!!

Someone at the Walt Disney company needs to be given a major pay raise: NOW!!

This brave, ingenious, creative soul, has managed to turn base metal into gold. This incredible man/woman/child(?) has cut together what may be the most phenomenal-looking trailer for High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Don’t believe me? Look for yourself. Possibly the greatest preview to grace cinema screens since Step Up 2 The Streets.

WOW!! The song alone gets me pumped. The dancing looks really good, and amazingly, I can sort of ignore the fact that the majority of the cast give me the heebie-jeebies.

So whoever you are at Disney, well done. Your amazing work has not gone unnoticed.

Now, who’s coming with me to get sloshed, go to a packed showing, and loudly declare their unchecked lust for Zac Efron? C’mon! Who’s coming with me?

 

We are living in an insemiNATION

I’m pretty sure Tina Fey already covered this ground in Baby Mama (which I never saw, because it hasn’t come out in England – wat up wit dat, yo?) but it seems like everyone is all about havin’ babies.

Babies are pretty cool. Ok, not really. 1in 45 babies is cool. Scientific fact. Only my Godson, and my friend’s daughter are cool babies. Other babies are bastards. And when they become toddlers their bastard quotient increases by a whopping 77% (another fact of science). At this rate I’m lobbying really hard for the baby-toss to be part of the London 2012 Olympic games.

So why is everyone so hot-to-trot for babies? The ways to acheive them are thus:

-The “old fashioned way” (sexual misfire)

-The Jolie-Pitt way (adoption)

-The Sneaky Way (borrow one without permission)

-And of course, artificial insemination. (Which I always find myself saying to the tune of Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation”, like A-mer-i-ca loves in-sem-i-nation!)

Which brings me (roundabout the long way) to the point that on the tube today I saw a poster that just kills me. If a lady in London would like to get pregnant through insemination of donor sperm, then she should attend the INSEMINAR for details!

I love the idea. Like just setting foot in the seminar is going to sperm you up, and sperm you up good.

 

10 Things I Am All About Right Now

1. Frankie Boyle – This man is hilarious. Hi-lari-i-ous.

2. “Merry Happy” by Kate Nash (Also this picture of Kate Nash, which is utterly carefree and adorable)

 

3. Corn on the Cob – IT IS SO GOOD! I want to eat it all the time!

4. Video text messages – I just sent one last night to my friend. It was a 10 second clip of me smiling, waving and blowing a kiss. They’re like a little digital high-five. Nice to give and receive.

5. Walking everywhere, avoiding public transit – A way to get slim, save money, and say “whatever, yo” to the transit strikes

6. Day trips – To anywhere.

7. Stoner comedies – Harold and Kumar (I still need to rent the sequel, maybe I’ll do that tonight), Smiley Face (weird but enjoyable), Saving Grace (for the whole family!), Pineapple Express (which has yet to come out in the UK)

8. Thunderstorms – Like the one happening outside my window RIGHT NOW!

9. Guyliner – Glam-rock cute. Works on very few men, but those who rock it, rock it hard. That is to say, pretty much only David Bowie, Brandon Flowers, Eddie Izzard and Ewan McGregor look hot in eyeliner. No, Johnny Depp does NOT look good in eyeliner. He looks like a pirate. Pirate does not equal sexually attractive, of if you think so, this is not the website for you. Go to some Pirate fetish website, you crazy bitch.

10. Creative ways of cleaning my skin – Mud mask anyone?!? (Not terribly sexy, but it’s fun to watch it dry to the color of an old antique, and then crack off your skin like you ARE an antique! Wheeee!)

 

August Wrap-Up

Things that happened in August (in no particular order)

1. Dumped (tres lame. tres cowardly. still really sad.)

 

2. Birthday! (Saw Hamlet at RSC. Was the bomb digs. David Tennant is absurdly good. He made (gasp) strong, clear, well-thought-out choices and stuck to them. Production was great all around. Patrick Stewart was also a welcome addition. Sat near lots of fanboys/fangirls eager to be in touching distance of both “The Doctor” and “Jean-Luc Picard”!)

3. Family emergency (not fun!)

4. Trip to Arundel Castle (fun!)

5. Identity theft and filing of fraud claims (who wants the identitiy of a broke 26 year old? Not me. Wait…)

6. Bank saying they never received said fraud claims (I always get a Southern person on the line when I call their help center, and by the end of the conversation, I find myself speaking in a Southern accent too. That is wack.)

7. Trip to Scotland!

8. Massive falling out with friend!

9. Seeing premiere of new Matthew Bourne piece, Dorian Gray! (The story doesn’t really translate well, but the dancing is flawless and the sexy fellas are nice eye candy – a must for dance-nerds!)

10. Hit by a car! (lightly, but still, how fucking ridiculous!)

11. Thesis advisor tells you to gut massive plot point out of play! You disagree but must do what he wants in order to pass!

12. Massive headache en route back from Scotland…for 4 hours on train. Uncomfortable city.

12.5. John McCain makes cheap and desperate looking move to scoop up Hilary Clinton’s sloppy seconds by picking some chick from Alaska with no experience to be his VP. Subsequently, if McCain kicks off (and he is already 3,000 years old) we will have a President who looks like a less pretty clone hybrid of Tina Fey and Mariska Hargitay of Law and Order: SVU. Also, Mrs. Palin hates gays and choice and happiness and sparkles.

13. Back in time to type-up a motherload of work and hope September will be a big turn-around.

 

Fil’s Shoes

My roommate Fil’s shoes live in the hallway outside the bathroom. There is really no reason for this, but they do, and it’s become kind of a charming aspect of the way we live now. However, I am a girl who doesn’t judge books by their covers, but I am a huge judger of shoes. Thankfully, Fil has great taste in shoes. There is just this one pair whose label caught my eye the other day and made me do a double take on the way to the bathroom.

The brand name of these shoes? TORMENT.

Who thought this was an OK thing to name your shoes? Why don’t you just call them AGONY, CRUCIFY, SMITE, MISERY, PLAGUE, or EXCRUTIATING PAIN? I’d love to meet the marketing whiz who wanted to associate their footwear with extreme levels of discomfort. Good job!

 

Four Celebrities in One Week!!!

Hello all!! I’m back! I’ll have to keep this short because I have actual (gasp) work of importance (huh) to do.

But this week, since my return to London, I have seen not one, but four awesome celebrities. For a while I thought I’d lost my touch since I hadn’t seen any since Keira Knightley/Ewan McGregor/Chiwetel Ejiofor but now I’m back on track and spottin’ celebs like I’m back in New York!

4 days ago: The Leatherheads premiere was in Leicester Square, and as I was extremely jet-lagged and needed to stay awake, I thought what better way to stay awake than to attend a movie premiere! It was there that I saw….and briefly congratulated over the shouting….George Clooney and Renee Zellweger!! They were both EXTREMELY gorgeous people (go figure) but they were also really nice to the fans that had come to see them. I mean, I know it’s in their best interest to be kind to those who support them, but at the same time, they aren’t forced to be nice. They could be assholes like Naomi Campbell. (Seriously, that chick sucks. I’m glad she’ll never be on any BA flights ever with me.) George and Renee were really kind and funny, engaging with even the creepiest and pushiest of fans, which I give them both mad props for.

On a side note, seriously America, what’s up? Leatherheads is this very sweet, funny, movie that echoes of Old Hollywood screwball glamour (yes, there is such a thing as screwball glamour, it’s the code I live my life by) and it finishes the weekend behind Nim’s Island and the Prom Night remake?!? (puts head in hands). Yikes.

Yesterday the celebrity bonanza continued! Stopping for a coffee I saw one of my living heroes, Stephen Merchant (co-creator of The Office and Extras, whom I also saw perform stand-up a while back) sitting there reading the paper!

I didn’t disturb him, as badly as I wanted to throw myself at his feet, and beg him to take me away from the nightmare that has been grad school and into the actual working world of comedy. But I didn’t. I let him enjoy his coffee and the paper.

Later in the day, walking through Covent Garden, I saw…Sir Derek Jacobi….Shakespeare powerhouse, and all around ass-kicking actor! You may know him from I, Claudius and Cadfael which I grew up watching, or his more recent gig as the human form of “The Master” on Doctor Who. (At some point I need to talk about this new series of Doctor Who, but today is not that day). He was majestic. He’s not a large man, but Jacobi carries himself like a king! It was dorkishly thrilling.

 

Things that are not surprising at all

Tonight I had the great pleasure of seeing Othello at the Donmar Warehouse! I had to que early for my precious standing room ticket, but it was totally worth it!! Because I got to see the amazing talent that is Chiwetel Ejiofor (seriously, he is the bombs) as Othello, and Ewan McGregor as Iago! And you know what? He was so good! His performance (and honestly, Iago carries the 3-plus hours show) was funny, it was scary and menacing, and it was DAMN FINE!! DAAAAMN. So fine.

Leaving the theatre, Mike and I also bumped into KEIRA KNIGHTLEY (who co-starred with Ejiofor in Love Actually) and her crazy hot boyfriend leaving the theatre! That’s so cool that she was in the audience! I know I’m in the proud minority, but I freakin’ love Keira Knightley. I think she’s fabulous. But for some reason I had it in my head that she was my height (5′9″ suckas) but she couldn’t have been over 5′6″. She was petite, and naturally slim – no grotesque and obvious eating disorder. And she was every bit as pretty as she looks in magazines and on film. I am so freaking pumped to have seen them all tonight.

 

Fabio vs. Clooney

As much as I hate to acknowledge the existence of Fabio, I’m so flabberghasted by this “news” I had to talk about it.

Apparently Fabio and George Clooney are now arch-enemies!

Sayeth imdb.com – Actor Fabio has branded George Clooney “a low-class scumbag” after allegedly insulting female diners at a Hollywood restaurant. The romance icon stunned diners at the swanky Madeo eaterie when he exchanged fighting words with Clooney on November 2. But Fabio insists he was defending guests at his charity function and was forced to take action when a female dining companion complained Clooney called her “a fat cow.” He says, “(George) was drunk and thought people were taking pictures of him. So I went to the table and explained to him that we were having a charity dinner and I said, ‘You’re more than welcome to come to my table and see if there was a picture of you.’ I apologized and he started being rude so I put him in his place. After I put him in his place – you know I’m three times his size – he got a little scared. I went back to my table and as soon as I sit down he paid his bill, got up and he started insulting the girls. He called the women names. At that point I lost my temper. I went after him and he ran out of the restaurant.”

Obviously we should all believe the….I’m sorry, what is it you do exactly Fabio?  Fake-butter salesman? Romance-cover freakshow? Remind me of the next time you use your “celebrity” for charity work like he does. Oh, I’m sorry. Am I keeping you from your press? From the adoring fans? Don’t you have to get back to the theme park? Promote that new roller-coaster? Let innocent birds explode from the high impact of your rather unpleasant face? (If you don’t get what I’m talking about, Google “Fabio rollercoaster bird death” for the laugh of your life)

So yeah, Fabio. Go crawl back into obscurity please.

 

I Enjoy Being A Girl!!!

Isn’t that a quote from a song? I think so. I heard it on the television once. Anyway, it’s a true statement. In spite of dating the occaisonal unsuitable man, period pains, and all that jazz, I really do love being a girl. And do you know why?

Because when I’m sad, it’s perfectly acceptable to go shopping!! (Also, Women’s Liberation and the Spice Girls Reunion. But let’s talk shopping.)

I’ve had a seriously crap week, between classes, being shy around the guy that I like, and my crazy insomniac roommate. So to cheer myself up, I went shopping. And a lady came to my rescue.

Her name is Elizabeth Arden.

She’s got our backs, ladies. Because it’s SAMPLE TIME and nothing beats shopping like free shopping (and not going to jail for being a thief!!!)

My bounty was this adorable little mascara whose full title is “Elizabeth Arden Ceramide Lash Extending Treatment Mascara.” For those of you who, like me, said “What the hell is Ceramide?” I Googled it and it’s a lipid molecule and was once voted “Molecule of the Week” by Chemistry.org! Ooooh, fancy.

It is so freaking cute, in this spiffy little golden tube. Check it out:

But of course, the most important part is how it actually works – seeing as I have a party coming up this Saturday – and I can report that the results are excellent! Big, sexpot, Bambi-style lashes, and none of those weird smudges you can get on the lower lashes (the ones that make you look sleep deprived and/or slightly insane). I’m so pleased by this find!

I asked the nice cosmetics girl (cosmetician?) If I could swipe a few extras for my girlfriends, but since she had so few left, I couldn’t. However, she was nice enough to tell me that there is a little voucher thingy on the website that you can print off and take to the counter and get one for yourself (Borrow mine? You’ll have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands!!). Being a super nice person, I’ll even give you the link to the voucher here:

http://www.elizabethardenceramide.co.uk/mascara/

Ok, so maybe I was trolling the website looking for more goodies for myself. But hey. I posted the link. That was nice of me.

Big super cute eyelashes. For free. FREE, you guys!! Oh hell yes.