And A Jay-Z Song Was Ooooonnn….

I shouldn’t have been so flabberghasted to hear that Miley  Cyrus had in fact never heard a Jay-Z song, which she claims lifts her spirits in her irritatingly catchy “Party In The USA” song.

I mean, I’m a dorky white middle class girl and I’ve heard MOST of the Jay-Z cannon (yes, like Shakespeare, Jay-Z doesn’t just have a body of work, he has a cannon). Even though she cops to not penning the ditty, you’d think someone in the music industry would have the common sense to listen to other stuff on the charts, just to feel out their contemporaries.

I guess since MC doesn’t really have to do any of her thinking or creating, because’s such a thought-out, pre-packaged product of the Disney sexed-up adolescent machine. Her image is actually a stroke of marketing genius when you think about it. A good Christian girl, making it big in scary bad Hollywood, yet sticking as close as she can to her Southern roots. And when she takes slutty pictures of herself for MySpace, or is “tricked” by sneaky Vanity Fair photographers, then she can just turn to prayer and her fanbase forgives any tresspass.

But seriously girl. Go get some Jay-Z albums. They’re worth a listen. You might actually be – gasp – inspired.

 

COMING SOON!!!

The gloroius, long awaited (by maybe two people) return of A TAPERED MIND!!!!

Answering questions such as…

1.) Why hasn’t Miley Cyrus ever heard a Jay-Z song?

2.) What boots are best for fall/winter?

3.) Why is that Shakira song so damn catchy?

4.) Why do I get myself into terrible dating situations?

AND MORE!! So stay tuned….these are actually coming, rather than me just saying they are, and disappearing for a few months to deal with other stuff. Now I know what my priorities are, and they are entertaining you with useless thoughts.

 

Pink Has Greatest Idea Ever

Oh. My. Goodness.

First off, apologies to AK and BI, who I know read this to alleviate boredom at work. Thank you! I know I’ve been bad with the posting, largely due to the fact that I’m stuck at work myself. But due to working all the time, I’ve seen the future, and Pink is taking us there.

I see a lot of music videos on the job. A lot. Mostly bad ones, but also some great ones, like Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” (that dance is so damn good.) When I saw the music video for Pink’s “Sober” I dismissed it, because frankly I don’t really like the song. However, the next few times I saw the video I realized two things. 1.) Pink has great hair. 2.) In the video, she MAKES OUT WITH HERSELF.

Stop the presses. 

Yes, making out with yourself. Granted, Pink only does it in the video because it’s some kind of “terrible to be drunk/ wrestling with your own demons” thingy, but sweet jesus, what an idea. Because making out is the best. And since finding a suitable partner is so damn hard these days, why not just make out with yourself! It would just rock. The ultimate in self love. You would always be faithful to yourself. No STDs. No sloppy “stop trying to eat my face, please” issues. If I could truly just make out with myself I would probably never leave the house. I would take time outs to eat, but other than that, all my recreational activities would just be shot. I would try watching a movie, but then I would just ignore the movie and make out with myself.

 

Transformers 2: Revenge of A Terrible Script (PS. I love you, Bumblebee)

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen apparently made something like 55 Million dollars on its FIRST DAY alone. Of course $17 of that was mine, courtesy of a midnight IMAX screening in Times Square (for which I had to literally que around an entire NYC block). And I’ll see it again. I am a very popular movie-going companion. But I’m sad to say, while it does have lots of fun little dork-outs moments for the faithful (The Matrix of leadership! Devastator! Soundwave!! Eeeeek!) it has none of the heart or ingenuity of the original. Every Michael Bay garbage summer movie trick is stuffed into a jumbled “plot” before a solid 40 minutes of action leads to a “See you for the next movie” ending. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love the robots and the tech stuff. The real love story though, is Sam and Bumblebee. I honestly got a little choked up whenever Sam got in trouble and Bumblebee came to his rescue. So emotional. Why can’t I have a car as loving and wonderful as Bee? Come to think of it, why can’t I have a car?

 

ALWAYS AND FOREVER PIZZA HUT!!

Apparently PIZZA HUT, delicious icon from my childhood, is now trying to get us to refer to it simply as THE HUT.

NEVER!!!!

How can they? After being made so famous by Mel Brooks with the infamous villain, Pizza the Hut?! Someone in the PIZZA HUT (I am so defiant!) marketing department is going to really regret this. We 20somethings can see through Bullshit (most of the time, I still don’t know why any adult would read Twilight) and this hipster-izing of our classic pizza parlor (remember the red plastic glasses? The “Land Before Time” promotional puppets? The allure of Deep Dish Pizza?) is some straight up nonsense. Viva la PIZZA HUT and you can burn down THE HUT (The Smut? The Butt? It’s just a ripe for mockery) any day.

 

A Tapered Mind Salutes…

A Tapered Mind Salutes….

Really tall people and their tiny significant others. Because love sometimes has to wear lifts to reach new heights.

 

Red Bull(shiz)

Next time you hear me say “I’m beat! I’ll get a Red Bull.” PLEASE slap it out of my hand and remind me that while I used to be able to chug the stuff, now my body reacts like it has just imbibed a can of liquid anxiety, and I am too old for that shiz.

PS. How cool is this picture? Don’t know who did it, but it’s brilliant.

 

Bus Notes – DC to NYC

(Re-typed from earlier scribblings on a bus from Wasington to New York City)

It’s not 11am yet and I have come startlingly close to beating the living daylights out of not one, but two separate people.

1. Harpy Woman in Car – Ahead of my Dad and me as we drove to the train station. This was completely mental. Dad moved to get into the HOV traffic lane, but realized there was a bus blocking the lane, so he quickly (and %100 correctly) slipped back into the regular lane. Normal, right? I thought so. But this nutter looks into her rearview mirror and starts wagging her finger and shaking her head at us! Thank God Dad didn’t see her, but (I’m getting incensed just thinking about it again, AND her car was covered with all these self-righteous bumper stickers with babies footprints) I almost said “Stop the car a sec, I’m going to drop this bitch and keep her wagging finger as a souvenir.” But I didn’t. Because I’m not totally crazy. In the event that I ever see her car around again, I am going to paint over all those idiotic bumper stickers. I think that’s fair.

2. Woman on Bus -  who looks indignant and terribly offended by anyone who makes a peep! This one is relatively self-explanatory. We are on a cheap-ass bus, not a luxury sleeper train. Stop giving people evils and get over yourself.

Jeez.

 

We’ll Never Make It To 10

I was just on The Apple Trailers website, and am astonished to report that the following movies are coming to a theater near you.

- “Nine”
- “9″
- “District 9″
- “$9.99″

….did I miss something? This has got to be one of those “apocalyptic number” thingys.

 

Jack Bauer vs. Jack McCollugh

Wow. I mean. Wow.

Though reports vary, word on the striz-eet is that Jack Bauer (aka Kiefer Sutherland) headbutted one of those dudes who designs for Proenza Schouler (I am 99% sure that is misspelled, but Google is too many tabs away for me to check) at a party.

The best part is, the headbutt (who even DOES that anymore! It makes me clap my hands giddily) was most likely for one of two reasons. 1.) Kiefers was soused  or 2.) The honor of Brooke Shields needed defending

Either way, this is fucking hysterical. I would almost want to be famous, just so I could headbutt people I don’t like and have it considered news. This does lead me to wonder if Proenza Schouler will be showing helmets with their fall collection.