I had some hella clever (at least to my easily-amused brain) blogs set aside on a USB key to be transfered to my parents COMICALLY SLOW AND OUTDATED computer (the only one with internets I have today, I’ve been trying to steal neighbor’s wireless with no luck) but all of a sudden the two computers are fighting (Like Blair and Serena on “Gossip Girl”…..I think. I’ve only seen it twice. But that was the gist of it.) and I couldn’t upload the files. So tomorrow I go to Panera (at Diana’s suggestion, and my unholy desire for a toasted Asiago cheese bagel) to try again. Never fear. Useless information, misinformed opinions and too much knowledge about my personal life will be here before you know it.

PS. If you are computer savvy, why does one computer think files are Notepad and the other think they are Word? Also, how could Blair do that to Serena? She’s so mean.

PPS. I’m going to go make soup now. If I don’t blog tomorrow it means I maybe poisoned myself. Sorry.

My wordpress.com Dashboard (what keeps me informed about the stats of this bli-zog) just announced “WordCamp NYC This Weekend!”

And a little dorky part of me just died, because it sort of wants to go to WordCamp, which is clearly superior to Band Camp, but just as likely to get you killed as the camp that Jason stalks in Friday the 13th.

But still….

1. My laptop is really really warm. I’m a bit scared.

2. Why won’t someone stop Nicolas Cage from making movies?

3. How does Shakira make having roots look so damn good?

4. If a guy says he wants to date you, shouldn’t he just do it properly or not do it at all?

5. Ok, laptop is still really hot. And I have to finish these applications before it bursts into flames.

….or maybe his sidekick in food testing. Because he seems awesome. Look how cool he is! Yes, at first glance, he may look like a cast-off from the Ed Hardy roadshow, but if you just listen to him, you can see that not only is he a very intelligent and talented chef, but HE LOVES FOOD. And you gotta love a guy who loves food and wants to share that love with others.

My current situation leaves me with time in the late evenings to keep my mother company. Our way of bonding is to watch Food Network Late Night (which sounds sketchy, ie, “Skinemax” but is actually very wholesome) especially the incredible show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives which is hosted by Mr. Fieri, and features him driving all over the country eating amazing, gooey, fried, delicious foods. Then he interviews the chefs, gets a few recipes, and speaks to some of the patrons (who are usually hilarious stereotypes of people from whatever region he’s in, such as Southerners, Bostonians, Californians and New Yorkers). It’s INCREDIBLE. He eats burritos, Thai soups, giant cheeseburgers, waffles, you name it, he will eat it. Mr. Fieri even does this move, when the food is too big to fit in his mouth, where he kind of hunches over it like a dinosaur and attacks it from the top.  Truly awe-inspiring.

When Mom and I were watching it Monday (10pm EST, Food Network) I casually said “I would totally be his assistant” and she said I should be his location scouter. I thought about this for a hot minute, how fun it would be to just drive around the country, getting paid to find good places to eat. But then I thought about the other career I want, and decided it probably wasn’t the best idea to try and get a job that would end with me weighing about 350 pounds. Unless my 2nd career after that would be as a linebacker. Or a goalie.

Most people, when asked about their Newscaster Crush (because we all have one, don’t lie) would say Anderson Cooper (aka “The Silver Fox” or “Mah Boo”) or Brian Williams (actually great on Saturday Night Live).

But what about…David Muir?

Is it the tall handsome thing? The respectable anchor voice? The fact that he’s dizzyingly intelligent, informed and opinionated?

He’s like the Clark Kent of the evening news.

I would like to see him chat with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. That might be the most exciting meeting of minds since Chuck Norris went to Applebee’s with Mr. T (in my mind).

This morning I scooted over to  Barnes & Noble to take advantage of their free WiFi and not-horrible coffee. I made a special trip, just to do some computing! I have lots of computing to do! Blogs to write, emails to answer, programs and jobs to apply to. So when I arrived at B&N, imagine my HORROR to find that there was ONE GODDAMN ELECTRICAL OUTLET!! In the entire store! And it was being used by a dude who looked just like this:

and that guy wasn’t giving up the precious outlet anytime soon.

So now I’m down the street in a Starbucks, PAYING for internet (probably my least favorite thing to do) and writing. But I’m here, writing (Ta-da!) to you, for you, and maybe even sometimes about you. Also, this is the creepiest Starbucks in the entire world. The woman next to me is not wearing shoes. And everyone seems to know each other. And there’s this guy in a complete jogging suit who keeps going up to order things. I feel like I’m in some really ghetto-ass rip-off of Twin Peaks.

I shouldn’t have been so flabberghasted to hear that Miley  Cyrus had in fact never heard a Jay-Z song, which she claims lifts her spirits in her irritatingly catchy “Party In The USA” song.

I mean, I’m a dorky white middle class girl and I’ve heard MOST of the Jay-Z cannon (yes, like Shakespeare, Jay-Z doesn’t just have a body of work, he has a cannon). Even though she cops to not penning the ditty, you’d think someone in the music industry would have the common sense to listen to other stuff on the charts, just to feel out their contemporaries.

I guess since MC doesn’t really have to do any of her thinking or creating, because’s such a thought-out, pre-packaged product of the Disney sexed-up adolescent machine. Her image is actually a stroke of marketing genius when you think about it. A good Christian girl, making it big in scary bad Hollywood, yet sticking as close as she can to her Southern roots. And when she takes slutty pictures of herself for MySpace, or is “tricked” by sneaky Vanity Fair photographers, then she can just turn to prayer and her fanbase forgives any tresspass.

But seriously girl. Go get some Jay-Z albums. They’re worth a listen. You might actually be – gasp – inspired.

The gloroius, long awaited (by maybe two people) return of A TAPERED MIND!!!!

Answering questions such as…

1.) Why hasn’t Miley Cyrus ever heard a Jay-Z song?

2.) What boots are best for fall/winter?

3.) Why is that Shakira song so damn catchy?

4.) Why do I get myself into terrible dating situations?

AND MORE!! So stay tuned….these are actually coming, rather than me just saying they are, and disappearing for a few months to deal with other stuff. Now I know what my priorities are, and they are entertaining you with useless thoughts.

 Apparently, the Broadway musical, “Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark” has hit a bit of a roadbump and run out of money. The estimated running cost of this musical (millions of dollars per week) would need it to sell out every night for five years just to break even. And it hasn’t opened. Needless to say, I think we should just call this one Julie Taymor’s “Lost in La Mancha” and call it a day. I don’t think anyone really wanted a Sprider Man musical anyway, did they? Just the thought of it made me go “Meh.” Sure, it would probably look awesome, with some web slinging tricks, but I really think Sam Raimi managed to make that all look AMAZING on screen, and to be honest, I’m not sure it’s the type of story that will translate to stage.

As for the music of Bono and the Edge, that could be cool. Or it could be kind a disaster. I mean, do I have to sit through a ballad from Mary Jane Watson about how she feels there could be something more to Peter Parker, but she really just loves Spider Man? NOOOO!

Maybe they will make the money back and the show will go on as planned. I’m ready to be proven wrong, I just think my Spidey sense hasn’t failed me yet…..

Last night, on the way home from a lovely night out with my friend Katie, I had the (mildly intoxicated) idea for next summer’s big hit movie. This is gonna be a big one. Are you ready?

G.I. Joe & Julia

(Coming to a theatre near you….Summer 2010)

Combining two big hits of this summer (they even came out on the same day!) G.I. Joe & Julia will find Destro (Christopher Eccleston) not finding work at COBRA fulfilling now that Cobra Commander is in charge and the Baroness has shacked up with Duke again. To get his mojo back, he begins cooking his way through Julia Child’s famous cookbook.  We will also get to see moments of Julia child’s time as a spy (because she fucking was! What a bad ass!) intercut with battles between G.I. Joe and Cobra. But most importantly, we will see Destro in an apron, blowing away a dozen members of the Crimson Guard when his souffle falls.

Can we make this movie tomorrow? This has MTV MOVIE AWARDS written all over it.