The dictionary defines “asphyxiation” as “to cause to die or lose consciousness by impairing normal breathing, as by gas or other noxious agents; choke; suffocate; smother”.

Which is exactly what is happening to me right this minute, because somewhat in a nearby cubicle is wearing a bucket of cologne. A huge bucket’s worth. I’m pretty sure it’s cologne and not perfume, but whatever it is, it is freaking me out and I’d laugh (and cry) if it triggered an asthma attack. How would I explain that to my supervisor?

“I know I’m only a temp, sir, but I need to go home because someone’s pimp juice made my lungs spasm and I couldn’t breathe, so I blacked out and smashed my face on the desk. Thank you for understanding.”

I have a feeling that won’t fly.

I really do like cologne on gents in small doses. SMALL DOSES, FELLAS.