Dear Mitchell,

You are the best waiter I have ever had. People in the service industry usually feign the kind of sunny cheer that simply radiates from you. You were polite and friendly. Sweet and sassy. Your gentle lisp and saucy sashay make you the gay boyfriend every girl needs.

And yes, my salad was top-notch. Thank you for boxing up the leftovers. I’ll have it tonight for dinner.

Until we meet again, I wish you nothing but kind customers and generous tips.

With much fondness,

Jamie C. Wylie, consumer of grilled chicken caesar salad.