Dear Robbie Williams,

After many sleepless nights of trying to figure out how you can finally crack the elusive US market, I finally came up with it: Apology Tour!! Sure, I love your albums, but maybe the rest of America isn’t quite ready for your awesomeness. “Intensive Care” after all, was quite, well, intense. Perhaps fewer introspective I’m-fighting-multiple-addictions ballads and a few more poppin’ dance hall tracks (think: “Rock DJ”). Don’t think I don’t love ALL your music because I do. I’m just trying to expand your fanbase.

And whatever you do, the tour MUST come to New York. Or I cry.

Your Devoted American Fan,

Jamie C. Wylie