I like to get away during the lunch hour. If I stay seated at my desk, I can actually feel my soul leaving my body, like in cartoons where the ghost version of the person gets up and walks away from the “real” person. So to keep it real, I like to go to Sephora during my lunch break and apply the make-up I was too lazy to put on when I woke up. This usually means I come back from lunch looking and smelling better than I did when I arrived, which keeps my co-workers on their toes.

A few days ago, I found a really pretty looking lip gloss that smelled like cookies! That to me is like chum to a shark….bloody irresistable! So I put it on. It flattered my lips really nicely, and smelled so good! I quickly picked up a tube to check the price tag when….oh my god, what is happening. My lips started to feel funny. There was a tingling sensation I only had after a night of heavy drinking (wherein I usually ask Tom to slap my face because “Hey, man I can’t feel anything!!”) and this had NOT been a two-martini lunch. What was happening? The tingling sensation blended into a burn and my once beautiful gloss was now a raging wildfire ON MY FACE!!! I looked at the tube of gloss….it read “Big Mouth: For that bee-stung look.” Nooooooo!!! I hadn’t realized that it was one of those things! Apparently the new craze for big lips has inspired regular, educated women to purposefully irritate their lips so that they have a bigger, fuller look to them. What they fail to mention is that it hurts like hell.

Eventually the burning died down and the gloss was still awfully pretty. I didn’t buy it though. I just couldn’t. It would have been like throwing a suspected witch into the river to make her hair more shiny. Completely ludicrous.