I’ve decided I don’t like gum anymore.

Not that I won’t like YOU if you do like gum, but your gum is not for me! I know blowing bubbles is fun, I know chewing mindlessly on something can be fun, but you know what?


And I’m not writing this because I had a bad experience or anything. I don’t go to sleep at night praying Wrigley’s goes out of business.

I just think people chewing gum look stupid. My parents were right. You really look like a cow, and a dumb cow at that. Britney Spears? Chews gum during interviews. FACT. Looks like an idiot redneck. FACT. People just look less intelligent than they really are whilst chewing on a bit of peppermint flavored rubber-goo.

So chew on, gum lovers, if that’s your thing. But if you don’t want to look bovine or like an idiot, come see me and I’ll find you a tic-tac.