I like Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Keira Knightley.

I like monkeys blowing out of cannons.

I like the theme-park ride upon which this franchise is based.

And yet in spite of all this, “Pirates of the Carribbean 3: At World’s End” is STILL the most DISAPPOINTING and CRAP sequel of the summer thus far (I say “thus far” because I have yet to see “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer”)

While the special effects are pretty spectacular, oh my goodness is the plot convoluted! And I consider myself a pretty sharp movie-goer. There were so many parts where I just leaned over to my companion and said “What the crap was that all about?”

The following utterances contain spoilers. If you’re one of those people who get really upset by spoilers, stop reading. Also, get upset about something more substantial, please.

“I knew when there was more than one Johnny Depp on screen that this would be really, really bad.”

“Where the British Navy fighting for anything in particular, or just to fight?”

“That death scene with the slo-mo and shrapnel was pretty much the most absurd thing ever captured on film.”

“So, hold on, somebody bought her a really sexy black dress, and now she has to be marooned on that island so he can come back every ten years and fuck her? Raw deal!”

“Obviously, she’s a monster woman made out of stereotypes and stone-crabs. How could he not love her?”

“Do all people from Singapore want to sit in steam rooms and rape Keira Knightley?”

You get the picture. Urgh, I had such high hopes. I’m one of the few people who really liked the second movie “Dead Man’s Chest” but this, argh, this was just laughable. I feel the next time I see it (because I’m sure it’ll happen, it usually does) I will need to have had a few drinks in me, maybe that’s the only way the whole big jumble will make any sense.

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