Dear friends,

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!” We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

I sure hope George Bush takes a cue from Bill Pullman in “Independence Day” because it looks like Celine Dion has taken the first monumental step in the alien invasion of earth: CLONING!!

Apparently, in Celine’s race of aliens, male and female cannot be differentiated! (YUP: CHECK IT. That’s her “son” Rene!!! I challenge you to find anything even remotely masculine about that child.) They both have placid looks, and long, flowy, highlighted locks! (Time Out: Does she realize that he is probably getting the crap beat out of him daily at school? Not just for the fact that his mother is a crazy alien posing as a French Canadian Vegas Headliner, but because he has long girly hair and wears shirts that look kind of like one I got a J.Crew a few weeks ago (that I am now returning in disgust)?

World, we have to ban together to STOP HER.  Because if she clones herself again (look, it says “Her Plans for a Second Child” oh NOOOO!!!), there will be MORE gender-unspecific French-Canadian-Alien children running around the world, and we all know that’s the beginning of the end.

And what if he grows up to become a singer?!?!?!