How does one get to be as crazy as Paula Abdul? Is it the result of a brief union with Emilio Estevez? (I still love you Emilio! Quack, quack, quack…it’s a Mighty Ducks reference! I swear.) Is it the fact that her only Grammy comes from doing a duet with (and getting upstaged by) an animated cat?

Whichever way you slice it, she is totally bonkers, and Bravo has captured it all on film in their new series “Hey Paula” which I only caught the first half hour of, but that was enough to know that she is COMPLETELY UNHINGED. She is so loopy and out-of-it, then becomes a crazy mean banshee woman when her poor handlers try to reign her in. I mean, it’s really sad, and yet hilarious. Sad because she AGREED to this project, and because her PR people must hate her enough to let this really really unflattering portrait of their boss go to air. Hilarious because she spends the entire show either “playfully growling” at her teacup dogs, whining about how tight her jeans are, or talking about how horny she is. YIKES.

But as I thought about it (I changed channels and watched reruns of “The Office” instead, allowing my brain peace) I realized why Paula is so messed up! I mean, look, this lady:

is obviously the product of a very difficult home life!! I mean, it can’t be easy growing up on the…

PLANET OF THE APES!!! dum dum dummmmmmm….

(Please remember, I’m not here to coddle the crazy. I’m here to call them out.)