Before I regale you with tales of my adventures out west, let me just rattle off the list of D-List celebrities we saw out there. We saw no good celebs. No Jack Nicholson. No Judi Dench. Nada. No one leaving any kind of lasting impact on the artistic world. Ok, well maybe Sajak will….

1. Chili from TLC. (Google says her real name is “Rozonda” and now I understand why she goes by the name of a ground meat dish instead. Rozonda?) We saw her on the flight from Atlanta to LAX. While it’s always neat to see one third of a dissolved R&B girl supergroup, all I could think was “Has Chili fallen on such hard times that she must fly AirTran with the rest of us mere mortals?” Then I got distracted by the fat boy who was playing with a paddle ball and hit himself in the face. That was funny.

2. Pat Sajak, host of “Wheel of Fortune” in Santa Monica. I was pretty stoked to see Sajak, probably because I was prepared for him to quiz me. But no, he just walked by quietly with his entourage. His entourage of guys who ALL LOOKED JUST LIKE HIM!! I decided that Pat Sajak has surrounded himself with decoys (very clever) in case there is an attempt on his life, so maybe they’ll shiv the wrong guy. His last words? “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

3. Some soap star named Darren Brooks. We saw him on the NBC Studio Tour. He was boring and unattractive, and we had to go look him up on the internet. He wouldn’t stop walking by our tour, almost prompting me to say, “I don’t know you, go away, and you are also freakishly tan. Freakshow.” But I did not. Boring boring boring.

4. NOT Joey Lawrence!! His little brother Matthew! The awkward son from “Mrs. Doubtfire”. That’s about all I got. And about all he’s got too. We saw him when we were out to dinner in Hollywood. He frightens me. He also had one of those T-Shirts he had drawn himself, leading me to believe he either thinks himself to be tragically hip, or he just came from a 10 year old girl’s birthday party.

5. Jasmine Guy from “A Different World.” Whenever I say her name, people just get that quizzical look on their face and smile politely. I guess that says it all, huh.

6. Paul Reubens (PEE-WEE HERMAN!) and David Arquette (ONE OF THE ARQUETTES!) at Comic Con. I guess they did a film together? Who cares! Pee Wee!! Peeee Weeeee!! The guy who used to have a talking couch and the guy who tricked Courtney Cox into marrying him. Two very clever fellows indeed.