I hate Spiders. They are gross and freaky and run really quickly on those little spindly legs! I doubt you can name anything more terrifying than a spider charging at you. Set on fire and buried alive? POPPYCOCK. Spiders are simply, the worst. Spiders and Scorpions. Mostly spiders though.

Which is why my recent 48 hour standoff with a spider the size of (i’m looking around my room for objects to compare it to) a 25ml jar of hair goo (“for separation and shine”) was so terrifying.

I am staying at a friend’s house, so when I first saw Le Spidre (as my nemesis shall thus be called) I tried to keep my screams silent and my wits about me. I decided to do him in all by myself. I am a 25 year old woman of the world. So I picked up my giant boot and hurled it at him. I underestimated Le Spidre, as he nimbly dodged my boot (which is like the human equivalent of dodging a huge truck being thrown at you) and scurried…under my bed!! NOOOO. I searched for him, but couldn’t find him! Where the devil had he gone? I was freaked out.

My friend had already gone to sleep. I could not wake her. Quaking with the fear that Le Spidre would kill me in the night (or at least crawl on my face) I donned sweats and my slippers, making sure the hood was pulled taut, like Kenny on “South Park” before climbing into bed and burying myself beneath the duvet. About 15 minutes later as I began to sweat and my oxygen supply dwindled, I knew this would not be a good nights sleep. I woke the next morning groggy and disoriented.

I told my friend, a veterinary student, about the Le Spidre sighting. “We get big spiders here in Edinburgh” (oh, hi, yeah, I’m in Scotland right now) “If he comes back I’ll trap him and take him outside”

I told her I feared that Le Spidre could only be destroyed by throwing him into the fires of Mount Doom.

We searched my room thoroughly, even tossing the contents of my suitcase to make sure he hadn’t set up camp amongst my socks. No luck. Where was he? Had it all been a dream?

The next night I prepared for bed when Le Spidre showed himself again. “KRISTEN!!!” I screamed for my friend, all thoughts of pride gone. She hurried down as Le Spidre again hurried under my bed!

We searched again, as I pleaded that I was in fact, not insane, that a huge spider was dicking around with me, and most likely enjoying it. We couldn’t find him. Again I slept poorly.

In the morning I saw a tiny blur near the door. Le Spidre! He lay in wait for me. I opened the door, thinking maybe he just wanted to leave my room as badly as I wanted him gone. He did not budge. I tried reasoning with him. No luck. I heard Kristen rumble about upstairs and called out sweetly to her. “Good Morning!”

“Good Morning!”

“How are you?”

“Good, how are you?”

“I’ll be better when you come murder this GIANT spider in my room pllllleease!!”

She laughed, like the good-natured angel she is and came downstairs with a cup for Le Spidre’s capture. Her eyes widened when she saw him.

“JESUS. He is huge. I haven’t seen one that big here before” she said.

I whimpered something about having told her so.

Like a good future vet, Kristen captured Le Spidre and released him back into the streets of Edinburgh, where I know he lurks in wait for me. I know you’re out there Le Spidre, and if you happen across me again, I shall not be as merciful as Kristen was.

Advertisements