Friends, if you’re looking to shed a few extra pounds in the course of, oh say, a weekend, then I have got the answer.

FOOD POISONING. It really works.

I had my first (and please please God last) case of FP this weekend. I’m not 100% positive of the source, but I’m pretty sure it came from a veggie burger. And oh my God I have never wanted to die so badly. I had eaten a few hours prior, watched a bit of a movie, and decided to hit the hay early (party animal that I’m not). I couldn’t sleep and shortly thereafter was slumped in front of the porcelain deity, turning my guts inside out. Also I blacked out and smashed my lower back up. That wasn’t fun.  I must really be adapting to British life because for a moment whilst sprawled out on the floor I thought “I should call an ambulance…, that’s too much hassle. Don’t want to be a bother.”

 Thank goodness it did pass. But recovery time is not swift. Not. at. all.

I spent all Saturday in bed, still praying for a miracle cure or a swift death. Today (Monday) I’m able to peck down two slices of toast. But my jeans are nice and loose! So if you want the most horrible discomfort of all time in exchange for maybe 4 pounds, then go eat some tainted food, now! Before you know it, it’ll be the new celebrity diet craze.