January 2008


…..or does anyone else find Jerome Kerviel, the rogue trader whose fucked up transactions have cost Societe Generale about 7.2 BILLION DOLLARS, kind of….uhm….hot?

Like a skinnier, slightly more menacing, French version of Liev Schreiber?

Somebody in the prison better hit that.

I know the world is asking itself, “Sure the world is in turmoil, but what does she THINK about the Academy Award nominations?” Glad you stopped thinking about war, famine, and genocide for a moment. So let me kick it to you like this, short pants….

BEST PICTURE:  What an excitingly open year. Few things seem like “a lock.” I loved Atonement and think this may be the only statuette it picks up. But No Country for Old Men might pull a come-from-behind. That movie scared the living daylights out of me yo. If I ever see Javier Bardem, I am running for the fucking hills.

BEST ACTOR: Daniel Day-Lewis, you’re obviously mentally unstable, but that is clearly what makes you such a damn fine actor. Congratulations.

BEST ACTRESS: As much as I’d love to see Laura Linney win, I think it might actually be Ellen Page from Juno, making her the youngest winner in this category ever. I haven’t seen the movie yet (will soon) but maybe a win will inspire even more 16 year olds to get knocked up. Fingers crossed, right?

 BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Javier Bardem, you can keep your statuette as long as you promise not to gruesomely murder me with it. Deal? (PS. Hal Holbrook I love you. Sorry.)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Tilda Swinton, your day has come. You may have to battle Amy Ryan to the death, but I think your ice-queen looks have finally terrified everyone into giving you this award. Now, back to Narnia!!

BEST DIRECTOR: Why the fuck was Joe Wright not nominated?!?! Is you peoples crazy?

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Diablo Cody for Juno. Because no one can resist the story of the enormously talented stripper-turned-sex-blogger-turned-brilliant-writer-whose-first-screenplay-was-hardly-reworked-and-it-became-a-massive-success.

 BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Actually one of the toughest categories!! My fingers are crossed for The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, one of the most beautiful books I have ever read. Haven’t seen the movie yet, but I cannot wait.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG: I loved the music of Once. But “That’s How You Know” MADE Enchanted.

Earlier today, my best friend said “What, you don’t like Heath Ledger?”

I made it clear that while I am seriously pumped for The Dark Knight I’m not really a huge fan of his work as a whole. Brokeback Mountain was very touching and will be remembered as his finest performance. I’m not one of those people who went crazy for 10Things I Hate About You and The Brothers Grimm is officially the worst movie ever made (but several people – Terry Gilliam, I’m looking at you – should really be held responsible for that one.)

And now he has died. Of a sleeping pill overdose, apparently. And I’m really really, utterly, inexplicably sad. It’s one of those things that you can’t explain, because clearly I didn’t know the man, but any time that someone dies too young AND leaves behind children, it’s just awful. And with actors, it’s worse because we have this false sense of “knowing” them through their work onscreen. But at least, it seems the general feeling is one of shock and sadness at his passing. And I know it’s a horrible thing to say, but why are talented people dying from accidental sleeping pill overdoses while Amy Winehouse is BEING FILMED hitting the crackpipe and has managed to skirt death?!?!

Anyway, I digress. Bye-Bye Heath Ledger. Rest in peace. See you this summer. Still super excited.

Extensions gone wild

New nose, fake tan, holy crap

Ashley you scare me

…every second of the night – I live another life!!” – Heart

I have been having the most batshit crazy dreams recently. Part of me thinks its jetlag, part of me thinks its school and personal stuff, and my toes are convinced I’ve just gone off the deep end. But here’s what’s been happening:

Two nights ago: I dreamt that Katherine Heigl (from Knocked Up) and I were BFF! We were sitting in some really nicely decorated room (probably hers) and talking about how great it was that she’d finally become this big star, and then I congratulated her on getting married and we had this really in-depth talk about how you know when someone is right for you and love and all that. Which from my armchair psychologist’s point of view, means I probably am desperate to talk through my own relationship issues, but because I feel like I’m imposing on people when I do that (because it’s BORING) I have to delve into my subconscious and have chats with famous people I don’t know.

 

Wow, I’m so so so very sad.

Anyways, LAST night’s dream was even more absurd: You’d think once really out-there stuff is going on, something in your brain would say “Hold on a minute!” but mine didn’t! So I was back at college, graduating YET AGAIN and listening to the worst graduation speaker ever! He was just some you Asian guy, going “Uhm, well, yeah, but GO TEAM!” and then I walked up to the podium to get my diploma and my HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL (which really should have made me wake up) said, and I quote “Before you go collect your diploma, if you have a bag of kittens, please put it over here and you can collect it on your way back.”

WHAT!?!

But my brain, instead of saying “Why the fuck would I bring a bag of kittens to my graduation ceremony?” was wistfully thinking “I would like to have a bag of kittens, and I am so envious of those who do.”

I need to start taking sleeping pills again or something. This is getting out of control.

Apparently Diablo Cody, the stripper-turned-amazing-screenwriting (she penned Juno which I still have yet to see but is getting rave reviews up the wazoo) was discovered by her manager who had been surfing the web for porn (classy!) but instead came upon her blog and decided to sign her (legendary!)

 So, hey all you unabashed porn-loving managers!!

PORN PORN PORN!! SEX SEX SEX!!

Hope Google sends you RIGHT TO ME!!!

Apparently, Hillary Clinton’s very tight victory in the New Hampshire primary last night was due to the votes from women.

WOMEN, WHAT THE FUCK!?!

I’m an independant voter. And like my fellow lady-kind, I’m eager to put a woman into the White House! Trust me! But NOT this woman!! Not who makes this frightening face!! (I’m surprised lightning isn’t shooting out of her index finger, like Emperor Palpatine)

Not a woman who CRIES on NATIONAL TELEVISION when she falls behind in the polls! Because you know the minute her numbers got better, she smiled and wiped those fake tears away! I do not trust her! She will step on anyone and manipulate anything to get what she wants! (And NO those are not good qualities of a leader, much more a president!) Please women (and men) stop this nonsense! I would rather see my sneaker elected. But since “Sneaky” as I love to call it, has some dirt and serious skeletons in its closet (namely, a liasion with a very shapely high heel) perhaps we could just stop being crazy and throw our support behind Mr. Barack Obama. (Yay Barack!)

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