Greetings from the middle of my sternum, where the worst chest cold OF ALL TIME is currently making my breathing sound like a vaccuum cleaner filled with Gak (the Nickelodeon kind, non pizza-scented).

Anyways, I need to run something by you guys. So I was at a party last night (true) where shit started to get wild and crazy (no) as we drunkenly decided to figure out what kind of animals we all are (drama school style).

When the question was put to me by my friend (who is definitely a squirrel) I simply uttered “Probably a platypus. Yeah, a platypus. Awkward as fuck, but, you know, sort of oddly charming.” He laughed and gave me the pity “Awww” but HE DIDN’T SAY NO!!! So I was right on the money! Je suis a platypus.

(National Geographic photo was legit, but too big. So instead, here’s a rendering of a platypus kicking a peacock’s ass. Stupid, haughty peacock. Platypus showed you what.)

Other options bandied about for me were Kangaroo (probably because I was wearing cargo pants) and Sea Otter. I am amenable to all of these options.

PS. I am totally listening to “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” and it’s getting all diva up in this piece.