July 2008


When life hands you lemons (and recently my life has been having a firesale blowout clearance on fucking lemons) don’t bother with lemonade. Just keep this in mind.

Follow your dreams! Dream Big! Reach for the stars!

Because Jerry O’Connell, the fat kid from Stand By Me, totally impregnanted Rebecca Romijn. I mean, next time you think you’re not going to achieve anything in this world, just remember:

That dude, but his babies into

This lady. (Ps. Rebecca Romijn I am digging your cute hair!)

 

All that being said, I’m still feeling lemon-y. I’m going to finish writing, listen to some Death Cab and have a good cry about all my failures….no what….really….I am.

My roommate Fil’s shoes live in the hallway outside the bathroom. There is really no reason for this, but they do, and it’s become kind of a charming aspect of the way we live now. However, I am a girl who doesn’t judge books by their covers, but I am a huge judger of shoes. Thankfully, Fil has great taste in shoes. There is just this one pair whose label caught my eye the other day and made me do a double take on the way to the bathroom.

The brand name of these shoes? TORMENT.

Who thought this was an OK thing to name your shoes? Why don’t you just call them AGONY, CRUCIFY, SMITE, MISERY, PLAGUE, or EXCRUTIATING PAIN? I’d love to meet the marketing whiz who wanted to associate their footwear with extreme levels of discomfort. Good job!

To my brother!!!

I miss you!!!

If you don’t know what the title of this post is referencing – the movie Once – then you’d better go out and rent it and prepare yourself for a pretty lovely and bittersweet little film.

Anways, I don’t want to talk about that. I just like the title. We all know there are a thousand ways to leave your lover, but how exactly does one stop being “broken-hearted-hoover-fixer-sucker-guy” when your lover leaves you? I have exactly one answer and one answer only.

KELLY CLARKSON.

I’m not saying when you get dumped, it’s time to turn to girls (Ok, maybe it’s true for some of you, but not for me, I’m afraid.) I’m saying when you’ve been curb’d and everything feels too hot and there’s a lead weight just slowly caving your sternum in and you can’t eat and you don’t sleep or you sleep all day, then Kelly Clarkson and her sassamafrassy goodness is exactly what you need. Let me suggest a playlist of the following:

1. Since U Been Gone

2. Never Again

3. Walk Away

4. Because of You

5. Behind These Hazel Eyes

I mean, 5 quality “fuck you” break up songs. All good for rocking out to. Kelly is the new Alanis, but with more power chords and fewer icky references to that guy who played Uncle Dave on Full House.

After 4 years of grueling use, my old 15G clunker of an ipod (which survived Tour, NYC, and London) finally crapped out this morning. While it can still charge, it simply cannot play music. It’s just pretty to look at. I plan on keeping it though, just for memories and because it looks damn cool. At least it went peacefully, right? It died of old age, just like Estelle Getty (Too Soon? I loved you Sophia….)

In its place, for the time being, has come a cute little green Ipod shuffle, to tide me over while I work out and travel around the city. Although today is our first day together, I’ve already got such a crush on it. It’s so small and light, and although it only holds 250 songs, little Shufty (as it shall hereby be known) is just too damn cute to ever be mad at.

This was sent to me by a cute boy who has since disappeared from my life and has most likely realized he was too good looking/intelligent to date me in the first place.

Oh well.

Dear Sienna,

Your timing could not have been better. Not two weeks after I pick up a copy of ELLE magazine in which you are proclaiming your undying love for Rhys Ifans and how perfect for each other you guys are, then you are snapped (about a bazillion times) getting naked and frisky with…Balthazar Getty? Who is married with four children?

*Flashback*

Oh wait. Didn’t this happen to you. Where Jude Law cheated on you, his then-fiancee with the nanny? And you said how crushed you were but put on a brave face and moved forward? So when it happens to you, it’s the worst feeling in the world, but if you ARE the other woman, then things are smooth sailing!!!

I don’t care how good your hair always looks, or that your taste in clothing is usually bang on trend. I don’t even mind that you’re not a terrible actress (“Factory Girl” was great, but your accent in “The Edge of Love” was all over the fucking place). I’m just so disappointed that you’re so EASY that you can break up with one “love of your life” and be boning some married, millionaire (convenient) actor who is not divorced from his wife the next. Girl, that just ain’t right.

Also, note to Balthazar Getty. You might have the herp. I’m just saying. Get that checked out. Oh, yes, and you’re a douche! Hope your wife gets your millions (and control of the Getty Center! Muaahahahahah!)

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