Dear Sienna,

Your timing could not have been better. Not two weeks after I pick up a copy of ELLE magazine in which you are proclaiming your undying love for Rhys Ifans and how perfect for each other you guys are, then you are snapped (about a bazillion times) getting naked and frisky with…Balthazar Getty? Who is married with four children?


Oh wait. Didn’t this happen to you. Where Jude Law cheated on you, his then-fiancee with the nanny? And you said how crushed you were but put on a brave face and moved forward? So when it happens to you, it’s the worst feeling in the world, but if you ARE the other woman, then things are smooth sailing!!!

I don’t care how good your hair always looks, or that your taste in clothing is usually bang on trend. I don’t even mind that you’re not a terrible actress (“Factory Girl” was great, but your accent in “The Edge of Love” was all over the fucking place). I’m just so disappointed that you’re so EASY that you can break up with one “love of your life” and be boning some married, millionaire (convenient) actor who is not divorced from his wife the next. Girl, that just ain’t right.

Also, note to Balthazar Getty. You might have the herp. I’m just saying. Get that checked out. Oh, yes, and you’re a douche! Hope your wife gets your millions (and control of the Getty Center! Muaahahahahah!)