May 2009


A Tapered Mind is proud to salute the men and women who serve their country, thus making sure that clumsy idiots such as myself don’t accidentally start international incidents. Be sure to thank, hug, high five, them. And remember those who weren’t lucky enough to come home.

Let us take a page from Winston Churchill’s book and go forward together. Happy Memorial Day.

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Why Him? It’s the voice. It’s all the smart-alecky, cheeky goodness of Judd Nelson’s voice, most excellently featured in “Transformers: The Movie” (the awesome cartoon, not the Megan Fox ogle-fest) as Hot Rod, the sassy, uh…Hot Rod Car. And he was part of two of the greatest ensemble flicks of all time, “St. Elmo’s Fire” and “The Breakfast Club.”

Why Not? Two Words: “Suddenly Susan.”

Final Verdict: I’ll always have a special spot in my heart for Hot Rod.

After months of not being able to bring myself to look up my ex on Facebook (for fear his profile picture would be him with some gorgeous new girl) I finally did.

And he looks like hell.

He looks exhausted, strung-out, and generally shite. But I don’t feel vindicated. I thought I would say “Ha! Sucks to be you, prick!” and gleefully go about my business. That’s not how I felt at all. I feel really sad. Because even though he royally fucked up my head (which is still being sorted) I wish he was OK. I wish him happiness. Under layers and layers of a mind that needs a lot of therapy is someone I really love(d).

Maybe it’s just a bad picture. But I won’t ever know, and that’s even sadder. Think twice before you go dredging rivers that you thought were dried up. There may be stuff there you’re not ready to see.

Welcome to our newest sub-column, “Bizarre and Inappropriate Crush of the Day” also known to our friends in the UK as “Controversial Shag” wherein our strange infatuations and attractions are publicly aired and explained.

Our inaugural inductee? Anton Yelchin.

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Why Him? He’s so cute! Those eyes! That hair! So funny in “Star Trek” (“I can do zat!”) and the future of mankind in “Terminator” (nice job racking up 2 of the biggest summer movies, man)

Why Not? He’s 20. I can’t buy him a drink.

Final Verdict: Oh the difference a year makes…

A Tapered Mind Salutes….

Really tall people and their tiny significant others. Because love sometimes has to wear lifts to reach new heights.

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Next time you hear me say “I’m beat! I’ll get a Red Bull.” PLEASE slap it out of my hand and remind me that while I used to be able to chug the stuff, now my body reacts like it has just imbibed a can of liquid anxiety, and I am too old for that shiz.

PS. How cool is this picture? Don’t know who did it, but it’s brilliant.

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