robertpattinson_houseofwax2I am a seriously wild and sexy person.

 You have no idea.

 I am so WILD and SEXY that I spent my entire weekend getting LIT! No, not that kind of lit….TWIGH-LIT!!! (Ahhh….I read Twilight)

 Flush of shame. Hot, horrible shame. My website should be called this instead:(www.ohmygodimsoembarassed/ireadbooksforlittlegirls.html)

 But it’s not. So let me try to explain how this phenomenon happened. My darling former roommate met me for brunch last week, and said she has something I needed to take a look at. Before I could say anything, she returned, clutching the first Twilight tome in her hand, that impish grin perched on her face. The conversation went something like this:


“You’ll like it.”

“It’s stupid.”

“Have you read it?”


“Do you have anything to read on the bus?”

“Damn you.”

And I took it. And I read it. Because it was there. Because I need some escapism in my life right now. And it wasn’t horrible. That being said, let me assure you that I have no intentions of:

 1.) Having anyone “bite me” (that’s what she said)

2.) Having a liaison with a friendly Native American Werewolf

3.) Turning into a girl who goes “Squeeeeee!” at the mere mention of any of the characters.

It’s been so conflicting, finally sitting down and reading Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series. I’m enjoying the story. But really, they need fuckloads of edits (FUCKLOADS), which should be obvious to any writer (I can say this because I am a published author, my strongly worded letter once appeared in a hugely popular magazine) I mean, she has created some interesting characters in a fully formed world. Which is HARD, people. But if she had had an editor who actually edits (this is sadly a bit of a problem for JK Rowling too….I just didn’t need 500 pages….that is a heavy book) it would be a different story. It might even be brilliant. Because what Ms. Meyer has done with her Twilight books is actually quite remarkable…..get ready for the reveal…..

She has disguised a lusty harlequin romance as popular young-adult fiction, topped it with a bizarre candy shell of an abstinence message, and managed to sell it to EVERYONE.

 (Slow clap for Stephanie Meyer. I am duly impressed.)

 Here’s another confession. Because I’ve already lost any scrap of dignity I had left anyway. I saw the movie before I read the book. And I laughed. Because it was so bad it was fun. Sulky crumple-face emoting coupled with 70’s era “flying” FX does not a fine film make. Yes, I’ll be the bazillionth girl to admit Robert Pattinson is really attractive. But he’s always stoned! He’s got to be! Look at those eyes! And I’m not usually the person who whines “The book was so much better than the movie” but in this case, it was! All of the joy, all of the sexual spark, the real flirting, the feeling of connection, doesn’t exist between the two leads, Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Was it a director’s choice? It’s such a bummer. Because the relationships between all the characters are so much more complex. I know that condensing a big book into a short movie is hard (because I’ve tried it) but to take away what people became attached to in the first place is just a horrible idea.

 So that’s it. I’m going to read the rest of the series (escapism….) And if I think of other things I’ll let you know. The lesson is, I was a hater for all the wrong reasons before I tried. While I’m never going to be a Twi-lighter, or a Twi-hard, or whatever the fuck these awkward, braces’d girls are calling their coven, I have at least experienced, and formed my own opinions, good and bad.

 Ooooh I just read Michael Sheen (who played the werewolf Lucien in Underworld) will be playing a vampire in the next movie New Moon. Ooooh, those werewolves are gonna be up in arms (paws?) over this one.