July 2009


wenn2438444__oPtHoly crap!

Zach Morris (Mark Paul Gosselar) has still got it! Whew! 20 years (which I refuse to believe) after Saved by the Bell MPG is still lookin’ hella fine. If he still had that HUGE mobile phone (Google Zach Morris phone to get an idea of how freakin’ big this phone was), I would give him my number.

You know the apocalpyse is on its way when you see headlines like TITO JACKSON DEMANDS JUSTICE.

 

Speaking of 2012 can we talk about Roland Emmerich’s upcoming film, please? They screened the trailer before Harry Potter and I got really upset. I think that in times of ongoing war and financial fuckery, the last thing, THE. LAST. THING. we need is some dumb ass movie about the end of the world that casually depicts millions of people dying horrible, terrifying deaths, with “special effects.” John Cusack, Chiwitel Ejiofor, I really thought better of you.

Sorry to have been away so long, friends. I mean, I have a job too (quitting soon, I promise) that tends to keep me away from my precious observations and commentary on life. But I’ve got a few things that have been sitting on the back burner (of the stovetop of my mind) ready to be served up hot to you.

So check this out. Random Acts of Badassness, straight from Lun-dun! Yeah. Innit. 

1.) Apparently Dame Judi Dench was nearly mowed down by a black cab while boppin’ around Shaftesbury Ave for play rehearsal (DJD totally bops). The cabbie yelled “Watch where you’re going you stupid cunt” to which DJD quickly replied “THAT’S DAME CUNT TO YOU!”

Heart beats faster. Her place as my idol as just been set in stone and covered in whipped cream and cherries. Well played.

2.) Though I do not condone acts of violence, I can’t stop laughing at this photograph of Jude Law ninja chopping some paparazzi lady as he left the theatre the other night:

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Jude says it was an accident as he was blinded by camera flash (which happens to me pretty much anytime a picture is taken) he just looks so rageful and Wolverine-esque that it makes me laugh every time.

“Can I take your picture, Mr. La-”

“SKA-DOOSH!”

(Chop)

“My neck!”

Just like that time I was getting a massage and the lady punched me in the neck. It was just to relieve stress, she said.

 

PS. I am not the mysterious woman having Jude Law’s baby. Because I know that’s what you were thinking.

Dear Green Hornet Movie,

Since you have foolishly let Stephen Chow slip out of your fingers as both director AND Kato, I have a few suggestions.

1.) Get Stephen Chow back in both jobs. Michel Gondry is a talented guy, but has yet to deliver as a director (purely opinion, obviously others will disagree) and Chow’s “Kung Fu Hustle” and “Shaolin Soccer” are f’ing classics. He knows how to do action/funny like nobody else.

2.) Do NOT cast Nicolas Cage as the villian!

3.) Don’t cast Cameron Diaz as Seth Rogen’s love interest! I don’t mind Ms. Diaz but just picturing her and Rogen gives my stomach the queasies. No mas.

Oh. My. Goodness.

First off, apologies to AK and BI, who I know read this to alleviate boredom at work. Thank you! I know I’ve been bad with the posting, largely due to the fact that I’m stuck at work myself. But due to working all the time, I’ve seen the future, and Pink is taking us there.

I see a lot of music videos on the job. A lot. Mostly bad ones, but also some great ones, like Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” (that dance is so damn good.) When I saw the music video for Pink’s “Sober” I dismissed it, because frankly I don’t really like the song. However, the next few times I saw the video I realized two things. 1.) Pink has great hair. 2.) In the video, she MAKES OUT WITH HERSELF.

Stop the presses. 

Yes, making out with yourself. Granted, Pink only does it in the video because it’s some kind of “terrible to be drunk/ wrestling with your own demons” thingy, but sweet jesus, what an idea. Because making out is the best. And since finding a suitable partner is so damn hard these days, why not just make out with yourself! It would just rock. The ultimate in self love. You would always be faithful to yourself. No STDs. No sloppy “stop trying to eat my face, please” issues. If I could truly just make out with myself I would probably never leave the house. I would take time outs to eat, but other than that, all my recreational activities would just be shot. I would try watching a movie, but then I would just ignore the movie and make out with myself.

Although treating all dozen readers of this blog to a Coke would be more fiscally viable, I really love sharing music with people, and have been told (puffs chest with pride) that I’m pretty damn good at it. Mix tapes = a cheesy “I love you, man.” and a nice accompaniment to any road trip. Since it would take me too long to try and burn a lot of CDs (and mail them) I will just post a short list of the jams I am loving at the moment.

1. Zero – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2. Scream – Michael & Janet Jackson 

3. Daylight – Matt & Kim (whom my best friend is obesessed with)

4. We Walk – Ting Tings

5. Give It To Me – Madonna

6. American Boy – Estelle and Kanye West

7. Wild Wild Life – Talking Heads (CLASSIC OLD SCHOOL)

8. In This City – Hartley & Iglu (sounds like MGMT)

9. All My Days – From the “Away We Go” Soundtrack

10. Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas (I’m the only person I know who likes this song)

11. In My Arms – Kylie Minogue

12. Run – Leona Lewis (her cover of Snow Patrol reduces me to a blubbering blob of blubber)

13. My Eyes – Travis

Lucky 13. Listen and enjoy. Or not. But I would if I were you. But I’m not. I’m me. So there.

….Titled How To Ignite Passion In The Bedwoom…..

 

For all you sexy talkers with unavoidable lisps.