November 2009


Aw C’mon. That’s a pretty clever title. I’m sure People Magazine or US Weekly will yoink it, but you can tell all your friends (the ones who care…..a grand total of…..zero) that you heard it here first. Copyright’d!

The only live-action show on the Fox Network I’ve ever really liked was Arrested Development, may it rest in glorious DVD box set peace. That show was everything television should be – irreverent, hilarious, oddly touching and off the walls brilliant. Its perfect cast (all of whom are working constantly now), brilliant writing, and insanely intricate story lines (if you watch the DVDs, you’ll see how many little throwbacks and references carry over from season to season. It’s outstanding.) When the series was cancelled after only 3 Seasons, I basically said “To hell with you, Fox Network” and devoted my limited TV-loving-attentions to Lost and The Office.

So you can imagine how weary I was when people near and dear to me, people whose opinions I trust, said “You’ve got to check out Glee. It’s right up your alley.”

Wait, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Yes, I was in my high school’s glee club. We sang passionately, if off-key, and wore outfits that looked like Vegas hooker factory seconds. But we had a great time, and we traveled up and down the east coast to torture people with the songs in our hearts.

I saw the TV promos, and thought the show was kind of pandering to the Drama-Geek crowd. “Oh! You’re an outsider! We’re outsiders too! We’re full of theatre and music in-jokes! Yuk yuk yuk!” So I held out. And I held out. And then…..they re-aired the first episode. And I heard the cover of “Don’t Stop Believin.” And I thought “Well, that was kind of lovely.” Lea Michele has pipes of a fierce nature. Girl. Can. Belt. It.

So I kept watching. And some episodes do pander to theatre geeks. It’s not a perfect show. The character of Mrs. Schuster can die any episode for all I care. But it’s got really talented performers, sharp writing, and musical arrangements that blow my flippin’ mind. Matthew Morrison’s gorgeous mash-up of “Young Girl/Don’t Stand So Close To Me” melted my brain, and last week’s “Imagine” done in collaboration with the deaf glee club brought both me and my mother (a recent convert) to tears.

(Speaking of Matthew Morrison, how sexy is he? That voice!! Ooooh, honey. And doesn’t Cory Monteith look like a much cuter, not-gone-to-seed Chris Klein?)

Glee has so much potential, and has gotten me to care enough to stick around and find out if it will be fulfilled. I think it can be everything AD was: the hilarious, brilliant and weirdly emotional engine-that-could. Let’s give it a chance.

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Like many women between the ages of 16 and 35, I have been on birth control (HA! Almost typed “girth control”) My results were pretty typical. I didn’t get pregnant (yay) my skin was clearer (yay) but I also was grouchier (boo) and chunkier (nooooo). So I stopped. I thought about what I was ingesting, this tiny pill that had such drastic effects in my body.

Yaz and Yasmin are the top selling – $1.8 BILLION last year – pharmaceutical line for Bayer. Yaz, the most popular birth control pill in the US, rose to popularity not only for pregnancy prevention powers (say that three times fast) but for alluring promises of clearer skin and drastically reduced PMS and related depression. For any woman who’s wasted an entire day on her side, knees pulled up to her chin in agony, feeling disgustingly unattractive and like her insides were going through a blender, that’s one hell of a lure.

Bayer has found itself on the receiving end of 74 lawsuits from women who claim they developed health problems after taking Yasmin or Yaz. (I bet you this ends up on “Law and Order” with a “RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES” tag). In light of these lawsuits, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) asked Bayer to correct misleading commercials and make clear the warnings, including the possibility of blood clots and strokes. Now the commercials for Yaz begin with “We may have been unclear in our previous ads” which makes me laugh. Even the look on the actress’s face says “We got busted.” The FDA is now studying incidence of illness among users of oral contraceptives.

Let’s look at the science. Birth control pills work by changing hormone levels – specifically estrogen. Some doctors have suggested lowering the risk by switching to pills containing levonorgestrel, considered a “safer” ingrident than those in Yaz.

While Bayer had some seriously shady advertising, the user of any birth control should do her homework and research the pill she takes, and be aware of its possible side effects.

PS. Next time let’s talk about Nueva Ring – because all my girlfriends rave about it, and I’m still not 100% sure about shoving a friendship bracelet up my vagina.

I haven’t read the health care bill.

I’m guessing you haven’t either.

So we’re probably on a pretty level playing field here.

Why is Joe Lieberman digging in his heels on a public option? Why will health care not be available to everyone who needs it? Or is it just for wealthy people from Connecticut?

Ok. Now. How will we pay for it? Cuts will have to be made. Taxes will probably have to rise. That is just a stone cold fucking fact. A fact that sucks. And the cuts will probably come from places we don’t like. Schools. Seniors. Rich people. It won’t be easy. But I think it’s important.

I was in the gym when the President made his speech about health care. Some old white men were watching the TV too (but they weren’t in gym clothes – I have no idea what the hell they were doing there, come to think of it. Just being creepy, I guess) and saying pretty offensive things. They called the President “a fucking idiot” and yelled “Fuck you!” at the screen, when he said he didn’t believe any American should go bankrupt just because they have cancer, a fact I whole-heartedly agree with. I was so incensed. My blood was literally on fire, I kept putting my hands on my face in hopes of cooling it down and not looking like Elmer Fudd after being outfoxed by Bugs Bunny.

I walked into the adjacent office and faced my two female co-workers. I explained the situation thusly:
“There are old, bloated rich white men who belong to this gym but don’t work out, sitting there and talking trash about the President, who’s just trying to play janitor and clean up the mess left by his fucknut predecessor. They think if you or me, people who work really hard but don’t have insurance from their jobs, if we get really sick, well that’s too fucking bad for us. And I hope they get sick. I hope something starts eating them from the inside out. And all their fancy doctors can’t do anything for them.”

“The President’s making a speech? In New York?” My sweet but stupid co-worker, who had a penchant for booty shorts with camel toe, asked.

“Wow. That was hard core.” Said another. “But yeah, I know those guys. They’re creepers.”

I don’t know why I told you that. It makes me look a bit like a rage-aholic. But I really do think that we should all be able to be taken care of. Britain has the NHS, and yes, it’s a flawed system, but it means that young people who are still getting their legs under them, can see a doctor and not have to drop half their paycheck on it. It doesn’t mean there’s not a lot of work left to do on that bill. I’m not defending it %100 by any means, since I told you I haven’t read it. But I really do believe that taking care of one another is a big part of what it means to be Americans. One Nation, under….what? The weather? Looking out for each other, standing up for each other, is what makes a nation stronger.

 

It’s not really in the generous spirit of Thanksgiving, but my God do I laugh at this video of chicken-fried purveyor of heart-attacky Southern buttered villiany Paula Deen, taking a charitable ham to the face.

I’m sure Paula Deen is a super nice lady, and if it were a video of me getting face ham’d, she’d laugh too. It’s human nature. She got hers. I’ll get mine.

Trying to think a lot in a “What goes around come around” (Thanks, Timberlake) kind of manner. This would mean, that hopefully I’m due to come back around on the upswing any minute now. Maybe I’m deluded, but sometimes, especially around the holidays, delusion is a good thing to cling to.

Should I cut fringe in my hair?

Can I convince Priceline.com to essentially give me a free plane ticket?

What do you do when the person keeping you together starts to fall apart?

If you have the answers to any or all of these questions, keep them to your goddamn self. Unless you can get me a free plane ticket. I will be gladly accepting those.

 

Here is a picture of a tattoo of Wolverine riding a My Little Pony. It’s not my tattoo, though sometimes I wish it were. Sometimes.

Seriously.
If anyone tries to kidnap this idea, I have the law on my side, as I just did the trusted Google Search and came back with nothing. So this is original mockery!

Ok, just picture it. You love sassy CW teenagers, who, unlike yourself during those years, seem to have unlimited funding and copious amounts of sex.
Who were you during those school years? A DORK. The kind who dug Sci-Fi and mystery, with roguish tortured heroes! And that’s AWESOME. I always think nerdy people are vastly more lovely anyways. But now, the CW network has the amazing chance to combine its beloved workhorse, “Gossip Girl” with an ambitious cartoon that time has shelved….I present….

“GOSSIP GOYLE”!!

The Pitch: Combining footage from the old school action/adventure cartoon “Gargoyles” and laying down the self-absorbed drama-rama and insane silliness of “Gossip Girl” comes a story about Gargoyles perched atop the loftiest, most ritzy skyscrapers in New York, and the things they see and do.

I’m going to work more on this, but here’s a pic from the cartoon, should you have forgotten that it was actually kind of brilliant and ahead of its time. And no, I haven’t decided which creepy Gargoyle is Chuck Bass, but he’s in there. Oh. He. Is. In. There.

So that, my friends, is the 2nd trailer for the upcoming frilm, “Avatar” written and directed by James Cameron. It is pretty much the most hyped film of the Christmas season, if not the entire year.

What do I think? I think Sam Worthington is HOT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s pretty obvious. And while I think the movie looks really interesting, and the animation (CG goodness) looks amazing, I can’t help but think the whole plot looks like Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest got mixed with Dances With Wolves and then shaken in a blender with the big Ewok battle from Return of the Jedi, and taken with a liberal dose of acid. LIBERAL.

Helping my parents clean out their house has wielded a number of amazing treasures – old school things, funny photos, and good stories…but it has also shown me that MY MOTHER DOESN’T THROW ANY SHIT AWAY EVER and some of that stuff should probably just go to the Smithsonian at this point. Like my Mother’s old Motorola StarTac phone, which, during its reign, was the shit. It’s still pretty amazing actually. I remember trying to call a boy I was dating on mine, but the screen was so hard to read, I couldn’t tell if it was his number or not. The relationship didn’t last. Coincidence? Not in the slightest.

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