December 2009

This is not a girl power battle of the TV heroines. The two shows are both excellent in my opinion, but for such vastly different reasons that I could not compare them. It would be like comparing Angela Lansbury and my printer. I enjoy them both, they do excellent work, but it’s just different leagues. So if you want to start that fight, look elsewhere. This is an appreciation.

Major selling points of both Felicity and Veronice Mars were the edge-of-your-seat-who-will-she-choose love trianges the heroine found herself in.

With Felicity, it was between Ben, the boy she followed to NYU, who was kind of troubled and rough, or Noel, the sweet and thoughtful RA who fell for her. At first, I was all about Noel. I thought “Oh he’s nice. And he’s not a slut like Ben! Pick Noel! Pick Noel!” But it’s never that easy. Noel had troubles following him too, and Ben proved that under his devil-may-care facade, there was a heart of gold that beat only for Felicity (and some other chick with whom he had a bebe, but that was towards the end when everything got fucked up.)

Now, with Veronica Mars, Veronica is torn between her All-American handsome boyfriend Duncan, who is sweet and troubled, and Logan, who is a magnet for trouble, but has a heart of gold that beats only for Veron—wait a second!! It’s the EXACT SAME THING! Clearly this means there will be more back and forth, and heartache, and babies….(don’t give it away if there are, I just started series 2!) And I made the exact same mistake that I made with Felicity. At first, I was all about Duncan. Those eyes! So caring! So handsome! But then Logan proved he had a heart of gold by punching the shit out of Jonathan Taylor Thomas (from Home Impovement. It was fucking tight) and kissing Veronica all sexy like outside the hotel. And suddenly Duncan looked like a big pussy and it was all about Logan. Which simply reinforces my attraction to handsome, sarcastic, emotionally unstable men! Viva Logan!

Seriously, though Veronica Mars is so damn good. I just got started, but I can’t stop, and it breaks my heart to think a dumb ass network like UPN and CW cancelled it so half-assedly after series 3 – – hey, kind of like Felicity getting messed around with its finale – but I hear there are rumblings of a movie (so says my ever wise lawyer friend who¬†entrusted her VM box sets to my hands) which would KICK ASS. Kristen Bell is so damn likable, and pretty amazing on the show. I’ll keep you updated as to when I finish series 2. Considering a bus just went off a cliff, I think it’ll be a good one.

Final note. Series 1 of VM prominently featured Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna as Logan’s (squeal!) crazy parents. Now, I wasn’t sure what scared me more. Lisa Rinna’s love of lip injections or the fact that she and Harry (real life husband and wife) really look like¬†they are related. What’s up wit dat?


A: Quite possibly.

As the first poster for “Sex and the City 2” drops, so does my jaw and will to live. I just don’t understand why the love/sex lives of a bunch of self-absorbed 40somethings is the most awesome thing ever. And I mean, I have friends who will hit me after reading this. But I can’t stay quiet any longer! (climbs up on soapbox) If I were a man, I wouldn’t date any of them, because BITCHES IS CRAZY! Any messages of friendship or female empowerment are always quickly swept away in favor of materialistic greed, manipulating each other, or blaming all their problems on the men in their lives! It makes me crazy. I mean, “The Golden Girls” were cool, because Blanche kept her slutty antics (Oh Blanche, you tart) off screen, and it was more concerned with issues of things the women did, and what they thought, not just reacting to whatever happened to them.

Ah. Well.

Here comes my 2nd party foul (two in one post! Personal best!).

I like The Killer’s cover of “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” WAAAAAAAY better than I like Cyndi Lauper’s. Her voice is too screamy shrill, ears bleeding for me. I know Brandon Flowers has kind of a funky voice, but for this song, it really works. Listen below. Judge for yourself. But despite these trespasses, you’ll never take my girl card from me, never! You’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead, red-manicured hands!

One of my best friends is a lawyer. A tall, gorgeous lawyer, who defends criminals both sketchy and stupid. And for some reason, she was assigned to a case with a gentleman who could not restrain from making himself sexually happy……All. The. Time. Who thought giving this guy to a pretty female lawyer (oh, the Diddler – as his name shall be – apparently likes to smack people around too! Nice one!) was a good idea?

So I have the solution. As a punishment for his crimes, as well as safety for my friend, we must encase The Diddler’s hands in Jell-O. That’s right. He will no longer be able to slip his hand into his pants, nor can he hurt anyone with his fists, because they will be encased in giant spheres of gelatin! In fact, getting hit by him might actually feel nice, like those Dr. Scholl’s insoles. He’d get all mad and smack you with his Jell-O fist and you’d be like “I’m gellin’ like Magellan!” (I hate those commercials, but clearly their stupidity left an impression, so, well played, advertising team!)

Oh Jell-O. Is there anything you can’t do? Just looking at your freakishly unnatural goodness, I want to dye my hair, make shots, encase a stapler, and hang with Bill Cosby all at the same time.

The best show on television belongs to stodgy old bastard CBS, and stars the lovely and talented Juliana Marguiles. Despite the unfortunate title (which I hate SO MUCH) the show is flippin amazing and I hope it sticks around as long as it wants to. It’s that good.

Why’s it good?

The Cast: Marguiles was one of the strongest actors on “ER” but was never really stepped out of the shadow of her hot male costars. Remember the episode where Ewan McGregor held her hostage in a grocery store? That was LEGEND! And in this part, Marguiles walks a fine line, a character going through intense personal hell inside, but trying to maintain a collected face to snotty work colleagues, her family, and the press. Watching her back are two of my favorite actors in the world, Archie Panjabi and Josh Charles. Ms. Panjabi is insanely talented, disappearing into any role she plays, from “Bend it Like Beckham” to “A Mighty Heart” she’s really one of the best actresses working today, because it takes a few minutes to realize it’s her, and by then you’re already loving the work. And Josh Charles, so amazing on the too-soon-gone, “Sports Night” Creates perfect sexual tension.

Ok. I know how to quickly and quietly resolve the following “stories” which have been popping up on the news lately. Get ready.

1. I don’t know how to fix the war in Afghanistan. I’m leaving that one up to the pros.

2. Tiger Woods.

Obviously, Mr. Woods is (in his words) “human” (Ha! Nike lied!) and cheated on his Swedish Model Wife with multiple trashy ladies. This one is easy. It simply comes down to spreading new rumors! Either: a) Tiger is gay, and he was actually just shopping with those chicks for some new clubwear, or b) Tiger is now riddled with a plethora of STDs and should pretty much be untouchable in the sex department.

I don’t know if Elin (the Swedish model wife) is going to divorce him. There’s some kind of hardcore prenup in place, that pretty much guarantees her millions for sitting through so many boring-ass golf tournaments, and making little Tiger cubs to repopulate the world with beautiful golfers. At first, when I heard she busted out his windows with a golf club, I was convinced she had a case of “unstable supermodel” but now I’m kind of impressed she went and served a “Waiting to Exhale” special on his fucking giant car! If that’s not Girl Power, I don’t know what is.

3. The White House State Dinner crashers, Tareq and Michaele Salahi. This one is also easy. These two people, who sadly found each other and married, are both fame-whores and compulsive liars. They need to be criminally prosecuted, tried, and convicted, then sent away to jail, while the judge holds a boombox over his head, John Cusack style, and sends them off in chains to the tune of Billy Joel’s “Big Shot.” It works perfectly. The lyrics are as follows:

And they were all impressed with your Halston dress
And the people that you knew at Elaine’s
And the story of your latest success
You kept ’em so entertained
But now you just don’t remember
All the things you said
And you’re not sure that you want to know
I’ll give you one hint, honey
You sure did put on a show

Yes, yes, you had to be a big shot, didn’t cha
You had to prove it to the crowd
You had to be a big shot, didn’t cha
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the last word, last night
You’re so much fun to be around
You had to have the front page, bold type
You had to be a big shot last night, Oh oh

Oh Oh whoa whoa oh, Oh Oh whoa who-oo-oo-oo-ah,
Oh Oh Oh whoa whoa oh, Oh Oh whoa.

The Salahi’s should stay in jail for at least 5 years, by which time the (knock wood) Re-Elected President Obama can just laugh his ass off when they get out and try to sell their story, which five years on, will be old news and they will remain social outcasts.

You’re welcome, World. You owe me one.