Ok. I know how to quickly and quietly resolve the following “stories” which have been popping up on the news lately. Get ready.

1. I don’t know how to fix the war in Afghanistan. I’m leaving that one up to the pros.

2. Tiger Woods.

Obviously, Mr. Woods is (in his words) “human” (Ha! Nike lied!) and cheated on his Swedish Model Wife with multiple trashy ladies. This one is easy. It simply comes down to spreading new rumors! Either: a) Tiger is gay, and he was actually just shopping with those chicks for some new clubwear, or b) Tiger is now riddled with a plethora of STDs and should pretty much be untouchable in the sex department.

I don’t know if Elin (the Swedish model wife) is going to divorce him. There’s some kind of hardcore prenup in place, that pretty much guarantees her millions for sitting through so many boring-ass golf tournaments, and making little Tiger cubs to repopulate the world with beautiful golfers. At first, when I heard she busted out his windows with a golf club, I was convinced she had a case of “unstable supermodel” but now I’m kind of impressed she went and served a “Waiting to Exhale” special on his fucking giant car! If that’s not Girl Power, I don’t know what is.

3. The White House State Dinner crashers, Tareq and Michaele Salahi. This one is also easy. These two people, who sadly found each other and married, are both fame-whores and compulsive liars. They need to be criminally prosecuted, tried, and convicted, then sent away to jail, while the judge holds a boombox over his head, John Cusack style, and sends them off in chains to the tune of Billy Joel’s “Big Shot.” It works perfectly. The lyrics are as follows:

And they were all impressed with your Halston dress
And the people that you knew at Elaine’s
And the story of your latest success
You kept ’em so entertained
But now you just don’t remember
All the things you said
And you’re not sure that you want to know
I’ll give you one hint, honey
You sure did put on a show

Yes, yes, you had to be a big shot, didn’t cha
You had to prove it to the crowd
You had to be a big shot, didn’t cha
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the last word, last night
You’re so much fun to be around
You had to have the front page, bold type
You had to be a big shot last night, Oh oh

Oh Oh whoa whoa oh, Oh Oh whoa who-oo-oo-oo-ah,
Oh Oh Oh whoa whoa oh, Oh Oh whoa.

The Salahi’s should stay in jail for at least 5 years, by which time the (knock wood) Re-Elected President Obama can just laugh his ass off when they get out and try to sell their story, which five years on, will be old news and they will remain social outcasts.

You’re welcome, World. You owe me one.