One of my best friends is a lawyer. A tall, gorgeous lawyer, who defends criminals both sketchy and stupid. And for some reason, she was assigned to a case with a gentleman who could not restrain from making himself sexually happy……All. The. Time. Who thought giving this guy to a pretty female lawyer (oh, the Diddler – as his name shall be – apparently likes to smack people around too! Nice one!) was a good idea?

So I have the solution. As a punishment for his crimes, as well as safety for my friend, we must encase The Diddler’s hands in Jell-O. That’s right. He will no longer be able to slip his hand into his pants, nor can he hurt anyone with his fists, because they will be encased in giant spheres of gelatin! In fact, getting hit by him might actually feel nice, like those Dr. Scholl’s insoles. He’d get all mad and smack you with his Jell-O fist and you’d be like “I’m gellin’ like Magellan!” (I hate those commercials, but clearly their stupidity left an impression, so, well played, advertising team!)

Oh Jell-O. Is there anything you can’t do? Just looking at your freakishly unnatural goodness, I want to dye my hair, make shots, encase a stapler, and hang with Bill Cosby all at the same time.