Have you seen those Kashi commercials? They’re REE-DICK-YOU-LUSS. I mean, every time they come on, I’m like “Yo turn it up, this is the part where they make granola bars in the rain forest! Fresh granola bars! Holla!”

No. But really.

Kashi is so all about being natural, and in touch with the earth, that this crazy blonde chick is hiking through the rainforest (with her silent “native guides”) gathering the ingredients to make Kashi granola bars. The worst is when her guide busts open a cacao plant, and she goes “Oooh Chocolate!” and just eats some. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS! That needs to get the living daylights processed out of it before it even begins to resemble the chocolate we’re familiar with.  It just makes me laugh. It’s like me wandering through the East Village picking things off the sidewalk to make a delicious burrito with! You don’t pick burrito ingredients up anywhere you want! They must be carefully assembled.

I really do like some Kashi products. I’m not all hater (science has revealed I’m only 65% hater. Science!) and I really love their roasted vegetable pizza. But it’s not like I ran through an Italian country side and shook the pizza out of my hair afterward. Let’s not kid ourselves that that shit wasn’t whipped up in a factory in Kentucky.

My favorite part about Kashi is their slogan: Seven whole grains on a mission.

If they were looking to be more accurate, it would be: Seven whole grains making a speedy exit through your colon. You’re welcome Kashi! That one’s on me.