February 2010


With the input of my brilliant friend (I mean, she’s Phd brilliant, the real McCoy) I have come up with a new idea for a buddy-crime-fighting-duo.

My friend Sarah was saying last week that a “Mysterious Stranger” had been kind enough to shovel out her driveway during the last snowstorm. She asked said Mysterious Stranger on FB to marry her, and other friends began commenting about other favors they would like the Stranger to do, such as finish their dissertation, make them cookies, find them a job, etc.

I decided that Mysterious Stranger couldn’t go around doing all these good deeds alone so he (I’ve decided he’s male) needed a sidekick…..Perplexing Acquaintance!

Together, MS and PA will go about fighting crime (small time crimes that actually lead to big ones) as well as performing menial good deeds that people really appreciate. And unlike Batman and Superman (those fame whores) MS and PA revel in keeping themselves secret and undiscovered by the public!

More to come. Possibly including drawings.

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It’s just after 1pm my time on this Valentine’s Day, and I wish a happy one to you and yours. Two things of interest have happened to me today, and they have made me pause to ruminate (that’s right – I can type and ruminate all at the same time – I’m a modern Girl Friday)

1. The roommate who I wrote that huge angry blog entry about just gave me a rose! A rose! (He also got the other female roomie one, so don’t worry, it’s not like that). I think he knows that he’s been grinding on my bad side recently. Gosh. I’m really kind of blown away. It was a really kind thing to do. For this, I must give him props where props are due (this doesn’t mean I’ll suddenly tolerate bullshit homophobic comments) and try and be a little cooler and more understanding. I put the rose in my old Nalgene bottle (because I don’t exactly carry vases with me in my travels) and am pretty sure that old bottle is gross enough to maybe be a permanent vase now. But it looks cute.

2. Last night, my dear friend called me late when she got off work and asked if we could grab dessert (she doesn’t drink) since she’d had a stressful day of dealing with assholes…including her ex-boyfriend who won’t just let her be. I told her to play the Kim Wilde “Set me free why doncha babe….” for him but I don’t think she caught the reference. Anyway. She was having a rough time of it. It was hard to see my friend so visibly saddened and upset.

And I looked down at my ring. Now, my Nana was a helluva cool little old lady, with wicked sense of style. She left to my mother and me a huge box of kick ass costume jewelry. Glorious earrings, and necklaces and charm bracelets and rings. But because my Nan was a much smaller lady than I, the rings don’t really fit me well. They’re too big for my pinky, but too small for my ring finger. And because they’re costume, it’s not really financially worth it to have them resized to fit. So I was looking at my sad friend and I saw her admiring the ring. I said “Hey, does this fit you?” and handed it to her. She slipped it on her ring finger like motherfuckin’ Cinderella. It fit perfectly. So I said “Keep it.”

At first, of course, she refused, but I told her about how cool my Nan was, and that I have other things to remember her by, and I think she’d be really pleased to see my dear friend, who really needed something nice to happen, wearing and loving her old costume jewelry ring.

So I guess my Valentine’s Day thoughts to you are that love and friendship are not material. They’re experiences and being able to support and lift each other however we can. Forgiveness and tolerance are small steps, but important to take. And if you have pale skin, and dark hair like me, wear red, because we make that shit look gooooooood!

I was so heart-broken at the badness of “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief” I could have shed tears.

As mentioned in an earlier post, I LOVE these books. So despite the fact that the plunderer of the 1st two “Harry Potter” movies was at the helm, I foolishly maintained hope that this would not suck.

The comely young stars (call me in 10 years, Logan Lerman or Jake Abel) are easy on the eyes, but I don’t think they love the mythology and the world as much as we book loving dorks do.

And the script. HOLY SHIT. All the little details that make the world of Camp Half Blood and Olympus on earth so exciting were just butchered. Butchered and left for dead! As for the subplot of Kronos’ resurrection that fuels the entire series…..omitted. Just like that. I don’t know if they were taking precautions for a box office bomb, and they wanted a movie that was complete in itself, but so much was carelessly left out, I’m not sure my heart can take another film. I mean, how would they double back and fill in the blanks?

So Chris Columbus, you better stay away from me. Or I will throw a hissy fit in your face and step on your toes. HARD!

Oh. Dear. God.

I’m supposed to be working on a new play. That’s what I’m supposed to be doing. But you know what? I GOT THE RAGE! My friend said “Girl, You Gotta Check Yo’ Aggro!” which is cool-girl speak for “Your levels of aggravation are a wee bit on the scary side” when I yet again nearly lost my temper on some fucking fool.

Is this how Mr. T feels all the time? How do you live like this, T? HOW?!

Yeah, I’m a bit stressed. Kind of hate life. Depressed. Angry. Hopeless. But being surrounded by fools IN MY PLACE OF RESIDENCE is putting me over the edge. I am moments away from opening my bedroom door and beating a room full of strangers to death with the nearest available object (which in my case is a bottle of SoBe Lifewater, Pomegranate Cherry flavor, which is glorious, as it tastes just like yummy childhood fave Capri Sun, but in respectable adult packaging). These fools are my idiot roommate and his thoughtless, Smirnoff Twist drinking, Ed Hardy-esque, buddies. I’m so over this kid. He’s a bloody idiot, and his favorite past times include casual bigotry, ignorance, being a tool, and talking loudly at late hours like a bastard.

But he and his little posse of friends are CHURCH people, which for some reason, seems to give them the impression they are cooler than me. FALSE. I believe everyone should figure out their own private relationship with God, or the lack thereof. These people aren’t bad, per se, just really really, not my kind.

So I will cheer myself by posting a nice picture for us all to enjoy. Ta-dah.

What is this little wonder, you ask? It’s a scarf my GENIUS friend Kristen knitted for her fella as a Valentine’s Day present. And in case you think your eyes are failing, they’re not. The pattern is indeed one of cows mounting each other. I’ve put in an order for one with moose instead of cows. Exciting!!!

Now please excuse me. Before I get back to writing my play, I’m going to fake a loud phone conversation using the phrases “He said the sex was like fucking crack cocaine” (Thanks for the lead, John Mayer!) and “Godless motherfucking slutwhore” and then screaming “Shoot him! Shoot him!” before sweetly saying “Goodnight, Uncle Reggie.”

GREAT game, right?!? WHO DAT SAINTS!! It’s nice to see good things happen for a city that’s been through so much. I was watching with some friends who had money on the game (one of those matrices of points scored per quarter) which added to the excitement.

But what the nut with the commercials?! Apart from the kids toys in the KIA automobile (which was cute, but not earth-shattering) the ads were GARBAGE!!! What a bad year for Superbowl ads!! Blech.

PS. Speaking of Roman Numerals, I suggest that if you are in a bar and someone asks for your number, give it to them in Roman Numerals. If they figure it out, they’re totally worth a shot.

Dear Fellow Lovers of Music,

What the dickens is up with us as a collective whole where a song as ABYSMAL as “Tik Tok” can stay in the Top Ten so long!?! Yes, the refrain is a good, party-bumpin’ anthem, but Kesha’s faux rap-singing in between is so awful I’m pretty sure my ears and nose bleed every time I hear it. It’s like listening to a sexed up doormouse who magically speaks Human English, has a drinking problem, and got a recording deal.

I don’t quite know what her handlers are thinking, but it’s clear under that Mad Max(factor) makeup and unbrushable hair that Kesha is a pretty girl. She actually looks a lot like that blonde from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (don’t judge me!)┬áBut I really do just want to slap that trashy smirk right off her face. Smile baby! You’re rich!

On the other end of the spectrum is an artist I’m really coming to like. Both a powerhouse vocalist and author of many of her (and other artists) songs, is Keri Hilson, who won no Grammys and that is a freaking crime.

A of all. Look at her face. It’s gorgeous. But the fact that “Knocks You Down” was all over the stations at my work last spring into the fall and I never got tired of it is a testament to good music. I really like her, and expect great things! Viva Keri!

Sincerely,

A Tapered Mind

If Sarah Palin is addressing the “Tea Party” my only question is can we throw her in the river and refuse to have anything else to do with her after?

C’mon. That’s how the founding fathers did it.

I’m just being historical.

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