March 2010


The recent box office disappointments of both Robert Pattinson’s “Remember Me” and Kristen Stewart’s “The Runaways” has sparked conversation about whether or not these two performers will have careers after the Twilight series comes to an end…..a day, it should be noted, that I will be dancing drunkenly in the streets and driving vampire-killing stakes into watermelons with glee…..

With these two big stumbling blocks, I truly believe these two performers will finally be able to slip into the “character actor” roles they claim to desire when the series ends. Both Stewart and Pattinson have derided their fame and longed to be able to do other projects. Part of me really does understand. You want to do work you’re proud of. You want your private life to stay private. I get it. Really. ┬áBut at the same time, WHAT THE FUCK and get over yourselves. Working actors are lucky, successful working actors are a miracle. Appreciate your time for what it is, and wait until everything blows over to return to your desired indie-film roots.

Teen idols come and go. For now they are here, in our faces, and on stupid fucking merchandise everywhere. But unless they pursue it, it won’t last, and the next big thing will step into the limelight soon enough. So hang tight vampires, and the women who love them, it won’t be soon before long.

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Checking up on an acquaintance from high school (via that new box on Facebook that’s all “Reconnect with…” that’s such a fucking guilt trip), I found he has himself a new lady! A pretty one!

But when I clicked on HER profile it was a barrel of laughs! And not good ones. Oh, no. It was laughs like, “Your hobbies include ‘Living, loving and laughing? Excuse me while I reload.'” But my favorite part was her abuse of emoticons, especially the following:

8-)))))))))

Now, either this emoticon symbolizes how SUPER SMILEY she is, or that her photos are mad deceptive (like the old-school MySpace photos we used to take to make ourselves look mysterious, rather than fat and useless) or those are a lot of chins and she is the most corpulent mothafucka on the face of Planet Earth. Thoughts? Other stupid emoticons I should know about?

I shouldn’t be surprised that no charges will be filed against ragemachine supermodel Naomi Campbell for YET AGAIN hitting someone and (this part is new!) fleeing the scene.

Why this is funny: Does a world famous supermodel really think she can “blend in” and hide on the streets of New York? This isn’t “The Fugitive!” Tommy Lee Jones would have her ass in shackles before lunchtime! He wouldn’t even need one of those donuts “with the sprinkles on it.” Also, why is she the easiest person ON THE PLANET to upset?

“Hey Naomi, look at that puppy!”

KER-POW!!

“Naomi, would you please pass the salt?”

BAM!!!

Why this is actually utterly pathetic: Let’s just say, in the unlikely event I ever cross paths with Naomi Campbell, I’d clock her one just for fun. Punch by proxy. Who the fuck does she think she is? Being rich and famous and pretty does not excuse laying hands on other people.

But justice does not exist for the facially and physically gifted. Kate Moss does more eight balls than a billiards tournament (zing! worst joke ever! you’re welcome) and somehow she’s still allowed custody of her daughter. Because money means you’re above the law. ┬áThat should be the first class offered in law school. Just a suggestion.

When I did a Google Image search for “Naomi Campbell Kate Moss” these were the first two that got spat out, and they’re perfect. The first, a VOGUE cover, has “Wanted!” (which they should be! By the law!) on it, and the 2nd is them drunkenly dancing. While it may look at first as if they are doing a little back-to-back shimmy, I’m pretty positive if you look closely that Naomi is hiking up her dress to get ready to pounce on someone, and Kate is too high to stand up without assistance.

In an attempt to post more thoughts more often, I caved and made a Twitter. And apparently you don’t have to join to see it. NOT going to stop posting here, but trying to be less of a luddite and embrace communication fully. This is especially a “Well, duh” moment as I want to make communication MY JOB. So, yes. Tweet. Tweet.

http://www.twitter.com/ataperedmind

My thoughts are probably better in bite-size installments anyway.