Pop Culture


Oh dear Charlie Sheen

You’re not Dionysus, son.

Hot Shots! is ruined.

I shouldn’t be surprised that no charges will be filed against ragemachine supermodel Naomi Campbell for YET AGAIN hitting someone and (this part is new!) fleeing the scene.

Why this is funny: Does a world famous supermodel really think she can “blend in” and hide on the streets of New York? This isn’t “The Fugitive!” Tommy Lee Jones would have her ass in shackles before lunchtime! He wouldn’t even need one of those donuts “with the sprinkles on it.” Also, why is she the easiest person ON THE PLANET to upset?

“Hey Naomi, look at that puppy!”

KER-POW!!

“Naomi, would you please pass the salt?”

BAM!!!

Why this is actually utterly pathetic: Let’s just say, in the unlikely event I ever cross paths with Naomi Campbell, I’d clock her one just for fun. Punch by proxy. Who the fuck does she think she is? Being rich and famous and pretty does not excuse laying hands on other people.

But justice does not exist for the facially and physically gifted. Kate Moss does more eight balls than a billiards tournament (zing! worst joke ever! you’re welcome) and somehow she’s still allowed custody of her daughter. Because money means you’re above the law.  That should be the first class offered in law school. Just a suggestion.

When I did a Google Image search for “Naomi Campbell Kate Moss” these were the first two that got spat out, and they’re perfect. The first, a VOGUE cover, has “Wanted!” (which they should be! By the law!) on it, and the 2nd is them drunkenly dancing. While it may look at first as if they are doing a little back-to-back shimmy, I’m pretty positive if you look closely that Naomi is hiking up her dress to get ready to pounce on someone, and Kate is too high to stand up without assistance.

Oh man. I totally slept through the announcement of Academy Award nominations….but then again, I sleep through most everything nowadays. That’s ok. My homepage (bbc.co.uk) popped them up nice and big when I logged on this morning.

With each set of nominees, I’ll put in bold who I’d like to see win (NOT who I predict will win) and why.

BEST PICTURE – Ugh, 10 n0minees is way the fuck too many.

Avatar

District 9 – I haven’t seen a lot of the other nominees, but as I’ve said, this was one of the most original films of the year, and yes, there were some cheesy parts, but I was OK with that. And if the world wants to be awesome and have it be a (gasp!) tie then we may also select….

An Education…..which was also a lovely film.

The Hurt Locker

Inglourious Basterds

Precious

A Serious Man

Up

Up in the Air

BEST DIRECTOR

James Cameron (Avatar)

Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker) Apparently this movie is incredible AND woman had never won this prize before, which boggles my mind AND James Cameron is her ex-husband so Ms. Bigelow winning this would kind of be some magical trifecta of “suck it”

Quentin Tarantino (Inglourious Basterds)

Lee Daniels (Precious)

Jason Reitman (Up in the Air)

BEST ACTOR

Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart)

George Clooney (Up in the Air)

Colin Firth (A Single Man) Colin Firth has been relegated to “guy who does romantic comedies” for so long, I think it would be super nice for him to suddenly be recognized for this dramatic role and totally change the arc of his career.

Morgan Freeman (Invictus)

Jeremy Renner (The Hurt Locker)

BEST ACTRESS

Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side)

Helen Mirren (The Last Station)

Carey Mulligan (An Education) GO CAREY, GO! She’s brilliant.

Gabourey Sidibe (Precious)

Meryl Streep (Julie and Julia)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Matt Damon (Invictus) I’d love everyone to remember that Matt Damon is actually a really talented actor, and not just some pop-culture punchline who does a lot of philanthropic works.

Woody Harrelson (The Messenger)

Christopher Plummer (The Last Station)

Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones)

Christoph Waltz (Inglourious Basterds)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Penelope Cruz (Nine)

Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air)

Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart)

Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air)

Mo’Nique (Precious) Because I read an article about her refusing to make the kiss-ass rounds that usually accompany this whole process, which I like. And because nobody saw this coming….ever.

Ok. It’s entirely possible I’m just a bit touchy, but I think Vanity Fair’s recent cover practices are a bit sketchy. Here is why:

Last months cover featured athlete-in-personal-turmoil, Tiger Woods.

The only reason he’s even ON the cover is sensationalism. The photos are actually old ones that they just brought up and slapped on the cover! Why this magazine felt the need to sink to the level of an US Weekly, and just talk about this fallen role model, is beyond me. How about great black men who are actually doing amazing things with their lives? We need inspiration, men of color who have worked hard and are making a difference in their chosen professions, be they athletes, teachers, politicians, actors,  musicians, whatever. Get some great black authors! Where’s Colson Whitehead! Put him on the cover! He’s mega talented! But to just regurgitate the whole Tiger thing is just….crass. It’s crass! And to use a “sexy times” photo is just shoveling the shit. Adding dirt to dirt. You’d think (or at least I would, but maybe I’m naive) that Vanity Fair was a bit classier than that.

Which leads to this month’s cover, my favorite, the Hollywood Issue. I love the portraits. I think they’re epic. The covers tend to alternate between groups of actors or actresses who have made a bold impact on the industry over the year. 2010 edition was all about pretty young things…who all happen to white and petite.

Don’t get me wrong. I think Carey Mulligan is going places, and has the cutest haircut this side of ever. Amanda Seyfried, Rebecca Hall, and Anna Kendrick are mad talented.

The rest…..I can really take or leave. Which is not to say I have strong feelings for them either way but my main question is WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PEOPLE OF COLOR?!?!

Where is Gabourey Sidibe? Where is Zoe Saldana? How about Sandra Oh? Or Archie Panjabi? Archie Panjabi is doing the best work on TV right now and she deserves magazine covers.

The shape of Hollywood is never going to change if it doesn’t start at the very basic step, which are the faces that are being presented on a regular basis to me, the consumer.  Even as a white girl, I’m a little freaked out at having my own (albeit superior in looks) kind shoved down my throat. I want to see people who don’t look like me. Isn’t that a huge part of films and television? To explore lives different from your own?

And what kills me is Vanity Fair has done this before. August 2008. Looks like Kristen Stewart is trying to pass a gallstone. Relax baby! Most of your peers make $6.50 an hour. Lighten up.

Using Seyfried and Stewart TWICE while overlooking talented actresses of color absolutely kills me. I hope Vanity Fair gets BOMBARDED with letters about this. In fact, feel free to cut and paste this to them. I just might.

Because Iron Chef America was doing “Battle Avocado” last night (and Avocado’s give me the vomits) I switched over to CBS for the Grammys – and I liked most of what I saw! Gaga and Elton were great, Beyonce and Pink were kick ass (though I would have been furious if Pink had gotten water on my expensive Grammy gown and hair!) and even DMB, who I had written off as a band for date-rapey frat boys, were really good.

But this morning, as I logged onto Facebook, everyone was up in arms about Gaga not winning album of the year! She won DANCE album of the year, which I think is still pretty damn awesome. I mean, I don’t think she’s staying up all night in her castle made of glorious lace, throwing kittens and glitter at the walls, screaming “Curse you Taylor Swift!” No no no. She’s doing the backstroke in her piles of cash (like Scrooge McDuck) and laughing all the way to financial security for the rest of her life.

(To the main titles from “Evita”

Don’t cry for her Lady Gagaaaaaa

The truth is, she’s still a big star

She’s loved by gay men

And single women

That’s all that matters

She’s still a winner.

Bravo TV – purveyor of such insanity classics as Top Chef (which I actually love) The Real Housewives (all of whom should be displayed in a zoo), Work Out (viva Jackie!), and The Millionaire Matchmaker have also brought us Shear Genius, a hair stylist competition that has unleashed stars such as Tabitha (go Tabitha!) and Doctor Boogie.

This show has been hosted by such illustrious celebrities as that lady from Charlie’s Angels, some other chick, and now, Matthew McConaghey’s BabyMama, Camila Alves.

WHAT?!? Until she let Matty Mac (because I’m pretty sure I refuse to spell McConaghey incorrectly half a dozen times) stick a bongo-lovin’ surf baby or two in her, she was just another gorgeous model.

And yes, she’s RIDICULOUSLY HOT. I’m not going to contest that. But since when does being a hot celeb whose greatest claim to fame was getting pregnant, land you a reality show?!? I mean, who the fuck was Padma before Top Chef? Salman Rushdie’s hot wife! How Bravo selects hosts is beyond me. But I want in. You hear me Bravo?!? I wanna piece of this!!

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